Self-confidence is a funny thing. I watch all kinds of things on YouTube and it\u2019s not that people are super smart and competent in general, or that they are known for great decisions and assessments of reality, but sometimes things go so far in the direction of complete and utter foolishness that I just watch the screen completely stunned and don\u2019t know what to think or say.<\/p>\n
For instance, there\u2019s some interview with American women who look like plasticky dolls who are asked how they would rate themselves on a 1-10 scale, and what they want their man to be. They universally rate themselves in the 8-10 range, and their demands for a man are basically a shopping list of material properties. They always say how tall he must be, how much money he has to make and so on, but they never say anything that even remotely touches spiritual properties. It\u2019s as if they were shopping for a combination of a sex doll and a free debit card. None of them even have a concept of having duties and responsibilities, of having to provide something on their own side of the equation. Ask them what they bring to the table, and they answer that they are the table. They have no responsibilities, no expectations, they merely sit there and judge if someone gave them enough stuff.<\/p>\n
They are all godless, whorish plasticky monsters and I would rate them all as an absolute 0\/10. Completely unfuckable and unmarriable, wouldn\u2019t want to talk to one or be seen near one, would be afraid to shake hands with one or sit on the same chair after one because of fear of contracting some STD. They are absolutely disgusting materialistic non-persons, but they surely have confidence, probably because nobody actually ever gave them any kind of realistic upbringing. Like, never ask for more than you are able to give, and if you have high expectations, what are you offering in return? They basically look like someone who could greatly benefit from being six months in the army, where someone would yell at them and hit them if they didn\u2019t make their bed quickly and neatly enough. Also, camping in a scary forest with basic equipment would do wonders for their grounding in reality.<\/p>\n
This had me remember my own attitude about relationships. Sure, that was when I was still pretty much fucked up but working on getting myself together, between 1993 and 1997, but I was intensely thinking about it after God made it clear I was expected to meet people who are in this world with me and because of me. I had a pretty good inkling that I would be in a very deep relationship with more than one woman even then, and in some kind of a deep bond with more people than I basically knew at that point, so I was thinking, what would I want my woman to be like. Sure, I had to remove some stupid self-deprecating limitations with help from Goddess, which I actually wrote about before, but after that nonsense, if you asked me what I would want, I would say I wanted a saintly woman of God, who is spiritually pure and beautiful, of strong and sharp mind, and also physically compatible with me, where I would basically shrug about the looks, in a sense that I would want her to be beautiful and sexy, but that wasn\u2019t something I was focusing on. However, the immediate thought was \u201cwhat kind of a man would I need to be for such a woman to love me?\u201d. It was a sobering thought because I was acutely aware of my flaws at the time, and I was completely aware that I fall short. So, I shrugged and started working on it. I had to be completely enlightened \u2013 basically, an incarnate deity, because that\u2019s what a saintly woman of God would fall in love with. I had to be mentally pure and strong, have all the weaknesses resolved, I had to be a person a good and holy woman would feel not only comfortable with, but comfortable to the point where she would immediately \u201cclick\u201d with me. I knew the demands, because I was not stupid. I was fucked up and broken, but still exceedingly smart. I knew enough to put myself in a woman\u2019s position and see what I would be looking for, and I understood that the demands are so crazy that it was obvious that a saintly woman would be having a terrible time in this world and would either die alone or have terrible, unfulfilling relationships with unsatisfactory, weak, materialistic men. I felt strong compassion for such a woman\u2019s position, and I did the only thing that felt ethical and practical in my position \u2013 I worked on becoming a solution to her problem. Essentially, Goddess hinted that she had her own incarnation she wanted me to accept as my wife, and I also knew there was more than one woman from that other darshan<\/i>. I wasn\u2019t stupid, I knew what such a woman would feel like, surrounded by people here. It would be an ocean of frustration and chilling desperation, because she would feel that she\u2019s stuck and what she\u2019s looking for simply doesn\u2019t exist here. I simulated all of that in my head with very high degree of accuracy, and later I found out I was pretty much spot on.<\/p>\n
I was in a situation where I knew I was flawed and I didn\u2019t yet have either the purity or other spiritual qualities necessary to be the solution to their problem. I also knew that it was my responsibility to be there for them at one point, and be the kind of a person they would recognise and love. So, what was my level of self-confidence at that point? I can honestly tell you that it was zero, and it remains zero to this day. I have no self confidence, I don\u2019t want to have it, and I think it\u2019s actually a grave character flaw. What I did have is honest self-assessment, enough mental faculties to understand what is required of me, and enough balls to endure any kind of cruel and merciless practice that would remake me into a person that would make a female avatar<\/i> have an instant Kundalini<\/i>-rush and recognise me as an avatar<\/i> of her ishta-devata<\/i>. When I say I was willing to endure a cruel practice, I\u2019m not kidding. I went through my intellectual understanding, through my emotions, through spiritual concepts, through everything I could even comprehend about what being a person means, and I polished it by doing very realistic simulations in my head and using what I knew of autogenic training and Kundalini techniques to break and rebuild myself, thousands of times, purging trauma, replacing emotional scar tissue with functional stuff, and so on. As a result, my understanding of yogic techniques improved, as did my skill and power. I became capable of awakening someone\u2019s Kundalini in a smoky, noisy bar among dozens of loud people, and repeat it day after day. This was unheard-of level of skill, power and detachment all at once, and that\u2019s basically before I even appeared in a public forum. Where so-called gurus would inexpertly fiddle with candle light in solitude and peace to create a gentle and soothing spiritual atmosphere to do a Kundalini awakening of a student who was scared shitless with expectations, I would remove all expectations by meeting them in places that had absolutely no adequacy for anything even remotely spiritual, and I would compensate with a combination of raw power and ability to focus and remove distractions in the worst environments in the world \u2013 and I practised by meditating every day in my parents\u2019 apartment, with my mother intentionally trying to break my meditation by requiring me to verbally and emotionally respond to her commenting some soap opera on TV while I was meditating, while my brother was testing his solder joints with multimeter on diode mode (loud beep on every test). I also learned to maintain focus on God in a crowded bus, and by crowded I mean people squeezed together like sardines in a can. I had to learn how to meditate in the worst possible circumstances because those were the only ones I had. It was either succeed there, or fail. I didn\u2019t want to fail because I had an appointment to keep in the future with people God wanted me to meet and guide. I thought I was reasonably competent, but still flawed. What I actually was is the most highly trained yogi in present-day Earth, and likely one of the most skilled of all time. My reasoning? Goddess wanted me to marry her avatar. If I were an avatar of Goddess, I would certainly not want a dipshit husband with spiritual flaws. It would have to be someone who goes through illusions and difficulties like they\u2019re not even there. So I practised. Every day. Brutal honesty with myself and where I\u2019m at, brutal demands upon myself, competing with absolute perfection and continuously finding myself lacking, but using the comparison only to fuel further work. Focus, detachment, nadi-shuddh<\/i>i pranayama, kecari mudra<\/i>, breathing soma rasa, rasa amrita, rasa amrita sindhu<\/i>, every free moment, every day, failing, breaking concentration, getting tired from exhaustion, resting, then again. I would be very critical for not being able to maintain rasa-amrita pranayama<\/i> in the crowded bus for more than five minutes. I would be very critical of myself for not being able to maintain metta<\/i> acceptance and non-judgment, detachment but radiant love, for more than an hour or two in a crowd while walking. However, it was enough to start the process of vajra<\/i> initiation from above, where they taught me all the Kundalini<\/i> techniques I later wrote down, and the concept of elements and grounding myself in them and their purity and perfection. I became mani padme<\/i>, without actually knowing what I was. Self confidence? Never heard of it, never needed it. The only confidence I had was that I would fail terribly if I didn\u2019t do my best, and the consequences of that were too emotionally painful to contemplate, so I repeatedly failed in ways that were less disappointing as time went on. At some point, I would define failure by keeping multiple people in an energy hold in a kebab joint and opening the hold to the presence of God, keeping it for fifteen minutes or so, and then having to recover for a day. In my mind, that was barely satisfactory, because a proper yogi, I thought, would be able to pull that off more easily and have to rest less afterwards. As you can see, no self-confidence. I would rate my skill level as barely adequate, 2\/10. If I had to rate myself as a yogi<\/i>, I would say that I don\u2019t honestly know, because rating my successes and correcting my failures was God\u2019s job, and I actually don\u2019t know where I am in some wider picture, only that God is here for me every now and then to point something out, correct something, lead me in some direction I didn\u2019t really understand, because Vedanta was no longer a good frame of reference so I lacked a coordinate system to evaluate my condition. I knew I was treated with respect from above, and that made me try even harder not to disappoint. I wasn\u2019t always this fanatical, but after that darshan<\/i> where I was basically blackmailed to accept a role of a guru-husband and a spiritual authority to at least one female avatar, I went completely nuts with it. I know, I advise people against being so fanatical with practice, and I was usually much more moderate, but there was a period of a six months or so where I was absolutely fucking insane.<\/p>\n
So yeah, at that period I would self-assess as barely adequate, but fuck me if I won\u2019t give my best. It worked. The girls recognised me. Other people I was supposed to meet, I think I did well with all of them. Goddess likes me, and I interpret that as not being a disappointment. Still no self-confidence. Still find absolutely no use for it. Still think that I can either try to do something and succeed, or fail, but being confident or not confident about myself prior to the attempt does absolutely nothing useful. If you ask me whether I can do something, I will tell you that I don\u2019t know, and if I try, I can tell you if it worked or not.<\/p>\n
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Self-confidence is a funny thing. I watch all kinds of things on YouTube and it\u2019s not that people are super smart and competent in general, or that they are known for great decisions and assessments of reality, but sometimes things … Continue reading