\u201cI have to apologise to you\u201d, she looked at him seriously. They found their old spot by the lake and took their time now that the castle was still in ruins and people were counting the dead and mourning. However, they had their own priorities. Winning the war was first, and that was now done. This came second.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, you don\u2019t\u201d, he was adamant. \u201cIn fact, I have to apologise to you\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can do that later. However, the fact that you were at fault doesn\u2019t mean that I\u2019m blameless. I refused to believe you. I was faced with the person who bore a scar on his forehead from Voldemort trying to kill him as a baby in the crib, while stepping over the corpse of his mother to do it, and I defended him because it suited me. He literally tried to murder an innocent baby who was the last offspring of a great noble family while talking nonsense about pureblood supremacy and what not. In hindsight, it was obvious as day, and I refused to admit it because it would make my father look bad, and my father could do no wrong because he would sing me lullabies and tell me stories and tales when I was a baby. Harry, I wronged you by not believing you and I\u2019m deeply sorry\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you\u201d, he smiled and wiped a tear from her cheek. \u201cMy turn\u201d, he sighed. \u201cI wronged you horribly. I don\u2019t even know whether I should explain what I was thinking, because it was so worthless and undignified, but I think you deserve to hear it. You see, I wanted to experiment. I wanted to see what other girls would feel like. With you, I couldn\u2019t actually say what we were. I didn\u2019t have a word. \u2018Girlfriend\u2019 wouldn\u2019t fit. \u2018Friend\u2019 was too superficial. I wanted to see if what I felt with you was something that happened with any pretty girl, because I thought it couldn\u2019t be just you. After all, you were in the enemy camp. I feared you would turn on me when Voldemort came back, and I already felt he was coming back for a year. When he did, I wanted to force myself away from the emotional danger of falling for you the way I knew I should if I allowed it. I wanted to be on the right side of the war when it happened. So, I tried to reproduce what we had as closely as possible with Cho, and I didn\u2019t feel anything. It was just nice. That was around the time when Voldemort was actively trying to influence my mind through the scar, and I was afraid that my mind was damaged, and I was turning cold and empty like he is, so I doubled down on my stupidity and tried harder, to no effect. I was just constantly angry, hurt, abandoned, complaining, blowing off steam on my friends who didn\u2019t do anything. Then Sirius died, and I felt it was my fault, because it kind of was, and I wished I could die, truly. I wished for it when Voldemort tried to possess me, and Dumbledore said it was love and it hurt Voldemort like nothing else. I missed you, and I hated missing you because I thought you were the enemy, so how can I miss the enemy, there must be something wrong with me. Then you took the dark mark and started conspiring to kill Dumbledore, and I said yeah, that\u2019s what she is now, and I hated you until I almost killed you, and then I held you and realised that you are everything to me, and that I loved you and would give anything to get you back. But I couldn\u2019t sit at your bedside and see that you are well, because Dumbledore called and I had to go with him on a mission, and you know what happened when we returned. He was half dead from some terrible potion he had to drink, and then he petrified me under my cloak and you came.\u201d, he sighed and closed his eyes. \u201cThen I saw you weeping and begging him to save your family, and I saw the full reality of what you actually were while I hated you and lived in my imaginary world that justified my betrayal of your love and trust. I am incredibly sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Now she wiped his<\/i> tears. \u201cI know you are, and you should be. You broke my heart and left it like that for two years. You could have waited until I calmed down and then talked to me. You could have guessed that my feelings were hurt. You could have apologised. Instead, you acted as if I was nothing to you, I was an enemy who finally showed her true face, while I needed your shoulder to cry on because I had Voldemort, werewolves and villains at home and I was scared. Why didn\u2019t you? I mean, reach out. Apologise. Ask how I felt?\u201d, she sobbed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have to understand that I\u2019m much dumber than you. I didn\u2019t know what we were. We never actually talked about it, we didn\u2019t have words. There was the unresolved allegiance thing. It gnawed on me and stopped me from falling for you or even understanding what we are. I didn\u2019t know that you changed your mind. I was so preoccupied by all sorts of important stuff that was going on, that I couldn\u2019t even deal with something as complex at the moment. My mind was a mess. I had visions from Voldemort every now and then, and even when I didn\u2019t, I had the ever-present darkness in my mind. I was half past insane, to be honest. Also, everybody seemed to be after me, so I was super defensive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat actually sounds somewhat like what I was going through\u201d, she reminisced. \u201cI was feeling miserable and feeding the feeling with everything \u2013 if I hit my foot and it hurt, I used the pain to make myself more miserable. I just fed the darkness with more darkness. It looks like this might not be unrelated, or accidental. It might have something to do with the overall darkness enveloping everything after Voldemort\u2019s return, and we just got swallowed by it and invented our own rationalisations as to why we are feeling the way we are\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s actually a good point, although I wouldn\u2019t wish to use it to excuse myself; merely to understand part of it. I definitely wronged you, and I almost killed you before the lights in my brain started turning on. Eventually, Hermione gave me the word I was looking for, the word that explained what you are to me\u201d, he smiled through tears.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is it?\u201d, she looked at him curiously.<\/p>\n
\u201cWife. She said you\u2019re my wife. Not a school girlfriend. Not a friend. She said that I should never play with your heart because you\u2019re a serious person. Will you be my wife, Lyra Malfoy? I love you and I promise to love, cherish and protect you forever\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cI will\u201d, she sobbed. \u201cI swore to be your wife when I was eleven. I just waited for you to ask. You surely took your time\u201d, she tried a smile.<\/p>\n
\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cThis was my first kiss, you know\u201d, she smiled later.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is going to sound weird, but I think it was mine, too. When I kissed Cho and Ginny, it didn\u2019t feel like I\u2019m actually myself \u2013 it felt like I\u2019m watching it from a slightly disembodied position and going through the motions, not actually feeling anything. That\u2019s why I was scared that Voldemort scrambled my brain permanently and I\u2019m turning into a zombie. Now, I felt like my true self, doing what I actually want, choosing my destiny, and it\u2019s no longer scary the way it used to be \u2013 in the oh my God, I\u2019m falling for a death eater girl way \u2013 but it\u2019s still scary in the sense how important, right and good it is. It feels like kissing my own life. And now I can finally admit to myself that I love you\u201d, he smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry for just assuming things and not saying things in words\u201d, she smiled back. \u201cI assumed it\u2019s all perfectly obvious \u2013 what we are, what we\u2019re doing. But I didn\u2019t actually confirm it with you, and it would be the most reasonable thing to do. I think I just expected you to say it, because that\u2019s traditionally how it goes, but I didn\u2019t realise that you wouldn\u2019t know. Too many assumptions. Talking could have saved us from all sorts of heartache.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s the case\u201d, he mused. \u201cI think I didn\u2019t want to know. The political part was too much of an issue for me, so much so that I turned parts of my brain off rather than face the truth. Lyra, I thought about it all after I almost killed you. I realised that touching your body switched on parts of my brain, because I\u2019m so deeply wired to you. And it\u2019s not just touch. It\u2019s looking at your face while we talk, seeing your thoughts move it, feeling your physical presence that feels like space within my mind. Honestly, I think I can feel your emotions and thoughts from the scent of your sweat, which feels like something fresh, pure and clean. I was always so deeply in love with you that word \u201clove\u201d didn\u2019t match the feeling because it\u2019s too shallow and means all kinds of silly stuff, especially when you\u2019re a messed up kid like me. I have to tell you one thing. When I temporarily died in the forest, before I came back, I was in a place that felt like the King\u2019s Cross station, only obviously non-physical and made of light. It felt like home, like safety, like everything\u2019s finally OK. And what I realised was that I felt that feeling before, because it felt like you. It felt like the look in your eyes, the freshness of your skin, purity of your scent, like the sense of having you physically present beside me. You feel like home. To say it\u2019s merely love is to diminish its dignity.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew it couldn\u2019t be just me\u201d, she smiled like an exploding star.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, what do we do now?\u201d, he raised his eyebrows.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe get married, finish school, hunt the remaining evil creatures that made our lives hell, and make babies. Not necessarily in that order, though.\u201d, she laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can compromise on the order, but we\u2019re definitely making babies\u201d, he kissed her.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you need an instruction manual?\u201d, she joked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, in fact. But as always, learning things from you is much more fun\u201d, he laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI guess school first, then we get married, and then, I guess, we teach each other what goes where. It can\u2019t be that hard to figure out, since everybody does it\u201d, she giggled.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, they obviously don\u2019t do it enough, or we wouldn\u2019t be having a population crisis\u201d, he grinned.<\/p>\n
\u201cThree at the minimum\u201d, she lifted three fingers, and he kissed them.<\/p>\n
\u201cMore if possible\u201d, he agreed. \u201cAnd I was thinking about another thing. When everything came back to me, I also remembered one of our first proper conversations, where you told me that the Malfoy name will die with you because you\u2019re a girl. Always be proud of being a girl. And your name is not going to die. I\u2019ll make our joint surname Malfoy-Potter. We\u2019re blending two important, ancient lines, and they should be equally represented, but yours goes first, because from now on you always come first. Not after war, not after work. First.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWow\u201d. She kissed him and they just stayed like that, breathing. \u201cI always wanted you to be proud of me. This feels\u2026 like that, plus some burden or guilt being relieved. It feels like my ancestors are proud of me, as well. I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s just in my head, but it feels real\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, why would the fact that it\u2019s in your head mean it\u2019s not real?\u201d, he asked, and kissed her again.<\/p>\n
\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cCome. We need to help people clean up the mess. Comfort them\u201d, she prompted.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes\u201d, he nodded. They had the priorities straight: win the war. Put their future on the right tracks. Then everything else.<\/p>\n
So, time for everything else.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cI have to apologise to you\u201d, she looked at him seriously. They found their old spot by the lake and took their time now that the castle was still in ruins and people were counting the dead and mourning. However, … Continue reading