\u201cIf I hadn\u2019t been on your mother\u2019s list, would you even notice me?\u201d, he smiled as he brought them breakfast while she sat there in the living room, nursing Lucia.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t imagine you not being on that list, but let\u2019s entertain the thought for a while\u201d, she smiled back as she took a sandwich. \u201cYou were too obviously impressive to ever fade into the background, so I would have noticed you for sure. I would have watched you. But if you weren\u2019t on the list, I wouldn\u2019t feel that I had already been allowed to fall for you. I\u2019d probably ask my mother about you, ask why you weren\u2019t on the list. Depending on what she told me, I would probably feel either guilty or conflicted or relieved, but I trusted my mother\u2019s opinion implicitly, and I felt she knows best what is good for me. One of the main reasons why I felt so comfortable choosing you at the age of eleven was that she pre-approved you. You were the number one name on my list \u2013 the prince of the wizarding world. Ancient, highly respectable family, famous and respected parents, enormous family wealth, and she did mention that your mother was a muggle-born, but she shrugged it off because Lily Evans was a generational talent, and we knew there was a prophecy of some kind marking you personally as the one who will have the power to vanquish the Dark Lord, making you an obvious and most desirable choice for her daughter to marry\u201d, she finished.<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t she mind that my parents were Voldemort\u2019s enemies and there was a prophecy about me being meant to fight him?\u201d, Harry wondered, as he sipped his morning coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe current political divide meant very little to her. She was about tradition, family, personal virtue, magical power and so on. People shift sides, but the inherent quality of a person is what matters. So, she told me all that about you, and she told me the same history about Neville and his parents, as well as few others. I was well briefed, to the point where I knew that Lily was in the Slug Club and I knew how well James did at Quidditch, and what Neville\u2019s parents liked to eat for breakfast at school. Mom was very thorough, and I\u2019m afraid I had an unfair advantage over you, and I felt I knew you already even before I introduced myself, and, being a stupid kid, I tried to impress you in all the wrong ways and put my foot in my mouth, and you know the rest\u201d, she smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, you hinted that Ron\u2019s family isn\u2019t really great, and you looked at Hermione as if she weren\u2019t even human, and I looked at that and sorted you in the same group with all the other nasty bullies I knew before. I looked at your noble bearing, interpreted it as haughtiness, saw your pristine, fancy clothes and decided you\u2019re a nasty, spoiled little shit that gets a kick out of offending the \u2018lesser people\u2019, and thought you\u2019re the worst person I met so far in the wizarding world\u201d, he laughed quietly, as not to disturb the baby. \u201cI wonder, what did that feel like from your side of things?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was furious and humiliated. I tried to hint that the two of us belong together on a higher plane of things, and you told me very clearly that you think I\u2019m a terrible person unworthy of your company. I had no luxury of thinking something like \u2018who are you to talk to me like that\u2019, because my mom already told me who you are. You\u2019re the most important boy in the world. You\u2019re the number one name on my list. You\u2019re the boy my mom spoke of with reverence. Who you were was not something I could use to fix my wounded pride, so I was forced to admit that I messed up. Something I did disqualified me in your eyes, and I didn\u2019t know what it was. I started observing, and soon saw that you are very egalitarian, which confused me because I was taught to always perceive a hierarchy \u2013 of family reputation and wealth, and of personal worth and achievement, and to try to be at the top, and associate with others who are at the top, because anything else would be degrading. It was not something I thought about \u2013 merely implicit things I picked up from my parents, the way you had all sorts of implicit things you picked up from everywhere. What I didn\u2019t understand was that you thought of yourself as belonging to the lowest, downtrodden class of people who are always picked on by those more powerful and wealthy. I couldn\u2019t understand it, because my mom told me that only the Malfoy, Lestrange and Black families are wealthier than you, as the sole heir of the Potter and Peverell lines, and trust me, none of the above would pick on you, since you would be perceived as belonging to the top echelon of our society. You saw how my parents tried to be polite with you in the beginning\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I treated them coldly and outright refused to have anything to do with them because I felt they are the enemy\u201d, he nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly\u201d, she sipped tea. \u201cYou annoyed them, and they thought you to be an insolent brat without manners, and I couldn\u2019t disagree\u201d, she gave him a lopsided smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were right, I did lack manners and sophistication. I was raised by the Dursleys who didn\u2019t teach me anything, except that I\u2019m worthless in their eyes. Honestly, I wonder how I even learned to speak before Muggle school, where I learned to read and write\u201d, he shrugged.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was something so unimaginable to me, that it would never have crossed my mind. I did learn about it, from all sorts of gossip and people I paid money to spy on you\u201d, she winked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou paid people to spy on me?\u201d, he was aghast.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I tried approaching you to talk to you directly, but you would give me that look and just ignore me like I was a thing that got in the way\u201d, she smiled. \u201cSo, of course I bribed people\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhom did you bribe?\u201d, Harry was both stunned and amused, because he realised he had no idea.<\/p>\n
\u201cI approached a few. Tried Neville Longbottom, but he was so insecure and confused, he didn\u2019t actually talk much to anyone and didn\u2019t know anything, but he was also on my list so I used the opportunity to check him out thoroughly, and decided he\u2019s completely not my type. Then I tried Dean Thomas, but he coldly rejected the idea and told me to go mind my own business, as if somehow you were not my business\u201d, she giggled. \u201cThen I tried Seamus Finnigan, and here I struck gold. His affinity for fancy stuff exceeded his funds, and his affinity for gossip exceeded that of most girls. Let\u2019s just say I got good value for my money\u201d, she looked at her husband mischievously while gently stroking her baby\u2019s head.<\/p>\n
\u201cSeamus, you rat\u201d, Harry giggled. \u201cWhat did he tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you would tell things to Ron, and Ron would tell things to everyone, you know how that was. Seamus told me that you didn\u2019t even know about the wizarding world or being a wizard before getting the owl from school, and that the Dursleys even tried to prevent you from receiving the notice so Hagrid had to intervene personally, and that was the first time you ever saw a real wizard. He told me that you didn\u2019t know your parents, didn\u2019t know you were a wizard, didn\u2019t know you were wealthy until Hagrid took you to Gringotts to get money for school gear from your vault, and so on. I was completely shocked at first and couldn\u2019t accept it, but Seamus told it in a completely straightforward way, and I saw you wearing those horrid rags that didn\u2019t make any sense to me before, so I had to accept something that would never make any sense otherwise \u2013 you actually thought you were a low-class person, so you associated with others you thought were also low-class, and defended them against a high-class bully, who just happened to be me\u201d, she smiled, with a bitter note of the memory. \u201cMy heart went out to you when I realised. I would never have thought that someone who was my equal or superior in social standing could be abused and mistreated like you were, and it felt like a terrible injustice. That night in bed I thought what it would feel like if my parents were killed while I was a baby and I never knew them, and I was raised by nasty people who hated me and neglected me in every way, and I cried\u201d, a tear went down her face. \u201cSomething changed in me that night. I stopped taking what I had for granted, because if someone like you could face such fate, it means I could as well, and I think I made my first steps toward adulthood then and there\u201d, she wiped her tears off. \u201cIt\u2019s good that I did, because I remembered it when Voldemort came back and degraded my family in our own home, and I remembered what you had to go through with the Dursleys, and felt more connected to you than ever, but of course, you weren\u2019t mine to be connected to back then\u201d, she sighed. \u201cBut it\u2019s good that I already adjusted to the thought that something like that could happen to someone like me, so I could emotionally survive it\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, after talking to Seamus, I continued watching you, but with a much changed perspective. I saw how openly friendly you were with people you considered worthy of friendship, and I was sad that I was excluded from that and seen as unworthy. It hurt, a lot. I wished I could just join you, Ron and Hermione at the table and start talking, but I knew you would just stare at me coldly and either leave or wait for me to get the hint and move on. For the first time in my life, I was made to feel like a lesser, unworthy person, which both felt completely unjust, but also earned by my stupid and nasty actions in the beginning, and I started to understand how others would feel when I would dismiss them as people of lower status unworthy of my attention. It softened me, changed me, and it was painful. I continued watching you, especially when you would sneak out, but your invisibility cloak made it hard for you to be seen or caught, so I got caught more than you did and it was so embarrassing. Can you even imagine how embarrassing it was for a girl to get caught sneaking out after a boy?\u201d, she grinned.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you wanted to get us in trouble\u201d, Harry smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, that\u2019s was my valid excuse \u2013 Potter and his gang were up to something and breaking the rules and I wanted to get them in trouble. But you know what they say, there\u2019s always a valid reason and the actual reason, and the actual reason was that I wanted to know what you were doing and see you in action, learn more about what kind of a person you are. That\u2019s why I wanted to play Quidditch against you, too \u2013 it gave me an excuse to get physical with you\u201d, she blushed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean, to throw me off of my broom and plough me into the ground?\u201d, he started laughing, and then put his hand over his mouth as the baby stirred.<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly. Also, have you bump into me and have me bang into a crossbeam\u201d, she snickered. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t the kind of physical contact I desired, but I took what I could get, I guess\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cAt some point, I realised that I didn\u2019t even think about other names on my list for months. My list was you. And then I made my decision. It\u2019s going to be only you, ever. Of course, you will have to ask, but my \u2018yes\u2019 was a given at that point. I said \u2018yes\u2019 at eleven, to the question you asked half an hour after you killed Voldemort\u201d, she beamed at her husband.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow did I manage to miss all this?\u201d, he massaged his forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wasn\u2019t actually loud about it\u201d, she grinned. \u201cYou know how girls are. My pride would not allow me to do anything about it, other than greet you in passing and have you sneer at me maliciously, and cry in bed that night. Also, it\u2019s a weird and awkward time for girls \u2013 in our dormitory it was all about who got her first period, and the rest of us who didn\u2019t were anxious and thinking whether something was wrong with us. Also, whose boobs started growing, whose figure already started looking more feminine and so on\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe boys never even thought about it\u201d, he acknowledged. \u201cAt that time I didn\u2019t even understand why boys and girls have separate dormitories\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cI figured\u201d, she snickered. \u201cBoys always pretend as if periods and other female stuff doesn\u2019t happen, and girls try really hard to keep it discreet so that they hopefully never have the opportunity to find out. At some point, it becomes a monthly routine, but at eleven to thirteen, it\u2019s a whole circus of \u2018is there something wrong with me because I didn\u2019t get it yet\u2019 in the girls\u2019 dormitory. We absolutely wouldn\u2019t want boys anywhere near that, because it was too embarrassing\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen did you get it?\u201d, he was curious.<\/p>\n
\u201cFirst year, when we played Quidditch. In the air\u201d, she blushed. \u201cI felt something weird, but it was only later in the bathroom that I saw blood on my underwear. I completely freaked out; I thought I was injured by the broom somehow, but then I remembered the cushioning charms, so that couldn\u2019t be it, and also nothing hurt. Then I remembered what mom explained before I went to school, what to expect, and to always wear a pad for safety. I didn\u2019t understand most of it, but you can rest assured I wore a pad for safety since then\u201d, she grinned.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can understand why you worshipped your parents\u201d, Harry nodded. \u201cI can\u2019t even imagine going through something like that with the Dursleys, if I happened to be a girl. They taught me nothing and just sneered at me\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, which is why I had such tolerance for your sneering treatment of me, for two years\u201d, she frowned. \u201cI knew who raised you and how, and that you didn\u2019t know better, but at some point I was so completely done with it and so profoundly humiliated, that I would literally rather have you kill me and be done with it, than suffer it for a minute longer\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank heavens you did that, because I was too stupid and stubborn and set in my ways to ever snap out of it on my own\u201d, he kissed her. \u201cWhen I did snap out of it, I felt really embarrassed for treating you badly, and surprised to find out that you\u2019re actually a human person with feelings. I know, it sounds insane\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt does, but I guess people aren\u2019t really rational beings\u201d, she mused. \u201cWe don\u2019t revise our opinions logically; we just stick with what we think we know until something shocks us into a new reality. I, for instance, stuck with what I thought I knew until I saw Voldemort in person, and his evil shocked me into accepting what you kept telling me for years, and what I kept rationalising around. Only after the new reality becomes emotionally inevitable do we change our minds, because reason is a servant to our emotions, always\u201d. Lucia was done with her meal so she put her on her shoulder to burp.<\/p>\n
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\u201cIf I hadn\u2019t been on your mother\u2019s list, would you even notice me?\u201d, he smiled as he brought them breakfast while she sat there in the living room, nursing Lucia. \u201cI can\u2019t imagine you not being on that list, but … Continue reading