There’s something I never wrote about, or even talked about before, but I feel like it’s time now.

It was somewhere between 1994 and 1996; I think 1996, but I’m not sure about the years anymore because it’s been a long time. I was basically an urban monk, meditating and practicing the yogic techniques I managed to figure out by myself at that point, but I haven’t developed the Kundalini techniques yet, and initiation into vajra was definitely in the future. At that point I already had a nirvikalpa samadhi experience and my vision of the future was to attain perfection at yoga and discarnate in the next few months. It seemed like an obvious thing; I had no worldly desires and the pursuit of enlightenment finally felt like the right thing to do, instead of aimlessly searching for something that would make sense. My family was hell, but at that point I learned to manage hell just fine, so I barely even noticed. Running away from that wasn’t my motive; I just found what I wanted and felt there’s really nothing else of value to bother with. I prayed to God to guide me and give me permission and skills necessary to do it. At first there was nothing, but I persisted. At one point I found myself in a state of darshan. A male presence, one of the “guys up there”.

What happened next is very hard to describe because it took mere seconds, but contained extreme amounts of densely packed spiritual interactions. He asked a clear question, “Do you trust me?”, and the undertone was a stream of knowledge about people who were incarnated exclusively because of me, they came here to be with me and if I chose to leave their lives will be empty and meaningless, just trauma and emptiness, and I saw multiple women specifically and many other people as well, but too quickly to get the details; I just knew I hadn’t met any of them yet. The other undertone was that I could refuse, but it would be a disappointment to God and to them. I said “yes” and the vision ended.

So, this is how a reclusive monk started looking for ways to make himself public enough to be seen and found by those people whom I now knew were looking for me. What I did publicly say is that I was authorised to teach and be a spiritual leader, and that was absolutely true. It was only partially true at that point; I was authorised to make myself known and to show, but after the initiation into Vajra, a year or so later, this changed, I think because I became resistant to spiritual corruption.

Why didn’t I say anything about this before? I was pretty much traumatised by it, that’s why. I think I still am, despite the fact that all of it came true since and I saw the entire logic behind it. The reason why I was traumatised was because of how disrespectful and manipulative the fake choice was – basically, it was strongly suggested that I follow the plan, and although I could refuse, it would be a wrong choice and God would be disappointed in me and so on. It’s basically an offer you can’t refuse sugarcoated just enough to not immediately look like something mafia would do. Also, he didn’t tell me the actual story, just the part that would make me accept easily, because I saw the souls involved and I cared about them and didn’t want to abandon them in this infernal place. He didn’t tell me that some of those students that would be sent my way would be fake, traitors and bastards, that Satan will use most of them to hook me to the world so that I can never leave while the structure of the world stands, that I will be in mortal danger unless I solve the problem nobody else in history managed to even scratch. I wasn’t told that Satan even existed, or that he already used very sophisticated ways of deception against me, mixing parts of darshan and samadhi experiences with his Sai Baba stuff, deceptions that are so scary I didn’t even talk about their actual nature because I thought people would lose all hope in possibility of salvation. I wasn’t just wrong about those things, I was deceived in ways that are absolutely horrific, which is why I said in the previous article that Satan used things against me and my girls that are just horrible. He could mix spiritual experience with deception to give his deception an almost ultimate authority. Breaking through that isn’t just hard; it also feels like blasphemy of sorts.

So yeah, I wasn’t told the bad and dangerous stuff, just that people I cared about will be abandoned and have their incarnation ruined if I said no. I wasn’t told that God will outright betray and abandon me if that was useful for getting rid of leeches and bastards. I thought, without being explicitly told, that if I accept God’s plan, that I will also have God’s help – I mean, having in mind that I was having this experience and others before it already meant that I had help from God, that I was guided and assisted, so it wasn’t that much of a stretch. What actually happened was that I was thrown into a pool of piranhas and for the most part the only actual source of help I could count on was my own set of abilities developed by spiritual practice, and if I got something wrong, which I did, all kinds of horrible consequences ensued, with Satan attacking me with increased openness and God maintaining a hands-off approach. At some point, I no longer felt like someone God entrusted with guiding people; I felt like human sacrifice, a worm impaled alive on a hook in order to catch a big fish that had to be killed at all cost, and I was expendable. I felt God had betrayed and used me, and Satan amplified that feeling to torture me.

Had I not seen other things, such as Her attitude towards me, I don’t think I’d pull through, honestly. How She treated me was the exact opposite to this horribly manipulative and coercive darshan; I knew there’s someone who’s actually on my side beyond anything I thought possible, who didn’t see me as a tool or manage me just enough to get maximum use out of me.

That’s why I keep saying that things are complicated in the transcendental sphere. It’s not just one God in many shapes, but many Divine beings with different characters, who evolved in different ways to reach their position and who have different roles in the whole thing. Yes, there are those who managed me the way you would manage a tool or a trained animal with a purpose, but then there is the Goddess who always treated me like I’m her whole world.

I’m sure that male Divine being who confronted me with that choice thought he was doing the right thing in the most straightforward way possible, and telling me what I needed to know in order not to fail my mission in this life. What he did was informative and useful and, honestly, had he told me more than he thought I could handle at that time, like the difficulties involved and so on, I still would have accepted the plan, but I would have felt respected, like someone who’s actually a part of the plan. Also, had She not talked to me, in Her own way, I am pretty certain I would have failed at multiple points. She corrected for the male deity’s deficiencies in just the right way, gradually creating the feeling that I actually matter as a person, and not that I’m just useful because I’m powerful and expendable.

Don’t get me wrong, not all male deities I met were insensitive assholes working for Don Corleone. Some were actually funny, for instance somewhere in 2006 or something I was with Domagoj and Dubravka and I asked why the fuck do I still have embargo on siddhis, and the answer came immediately in form of darshan; a male being, a different one (actually, more of them were present, I think). He “said” that I’d kill all the humans within ten minutes if I got my powers back. I started saying “no, I…”, and he just smirked knowingly, and I thought about it and saw that he was right, to which he nodded approvingly, in a sense “it’s actually a good idea, but we have our own way of approaching that problem”, smiled and left.

So, those things are the reason why I sometimes know things nobody expects me to know, and at other times I don’t know things everybody expects me to know. It’s also the reason why I’m completely certain about some things, and absolutely uncertain about others. It is what it is.