Futility of pretense

I was recently asked how I can manage it; knowing that the global economy is in the process of controlled demolition, that a major world war is unfolding and it’s just a matter of time before it goes nuclear, and the global “elites” have plans to kill half of us and completely subjugate the rest.

My response was “what’s the alternative?”

I can pretend everything is fine but that takes away my power to do what little I can to be aware and prepared, essentially to watch for the direction of the falling tree before I start running. I cited the example of a leaky window frame – I can either pretend there’s no problem, and ignore rainwater seeping into the wall and the black mould colonies, I can be aware of the problem and do nothing about it because it’s not my problem to fix, or I can be aware of the problem and do something about it. The only options that include any agency on my part start with awareness. Sure, it’s not very comfortable to know that the world that we know is pretty much doomed. But what is the alternative? Live in an illusion? What problems does that solve? It’s like having a brake light on my car turn on, but I say it’s fine because the brakes haven’t failed yet. Yes, fixing the brakes is a hassle – get an appointment with the mechanic, wait, travel there and back and spend some money. But what’s the alternative? Wait until the brakes fail completely, hope you don’t wreck the car when they do, and then still have to fix the problem, only with an undriveable car so you have to have it towed. How would that be helpful?

With the civilizational collapse, the matter is different only in the sense that one can say we’re doomed anyway and no degree of preparation can help, so it’s better to just not get stressed over it, but that is a fallacy right there. Let’s assume the worst-case scenario – total doom, and nothing you can do can save you. Oh, really? You can’t meditate, you can’t pray to God for guidance, you can’t resolve your attachments, you can’t put your affairs in order? You can do many things, because souls do survive the death of the body, at least for those who in fact have a spiritual core worth speaking of. Let’s say there’s a nuclear exchange, and it kills the total of 3.5 billion people, which is more-less the worst-case scenario estimate. With today’s world population of 8.1 billion, this means 4.6 billion survivors, which is more than the world population was in the year 1980. There would be no nuclear winter; that’s known to be pseudo-scientific rubbish. Sure, there would be some dust injected into the high layers of the atmosphere, but no worse than the Mt. Pinatubo eruption, which puts a definite upper limit on all my estimates, and the global climate effects of that were trivial. Radiation will be really bad in hot spots, but those will be the exact hot spots where the likelihood of surviving the nuclear explosions and their aftermath will be lowest, anyway, so it’s like shooting a corpse; not really adding to lethality. If you’re not in one of the directly impacted zones, you will likely not even know what happened because there will be a total or almost total loss of communications. There will definitely not be real-time reporting on the Internet or the cable TV.

Let’s say it’s just the economic collapse and the war threat fizzles out for some reason. Economic collapse looks like Yugoslavia in the 1990s, only everywhere, and there isn’t a stable foreign currency to use, because everybody is impacted at the same time. If only one could have known in advance and bought gold and silver to trade with. Oh wait…

Knowing what’s about to happen might not change the outcome, but it gives you some degree of control over your situation, it gives you time to spiritually prepare for death, and it gives you time to prepare for a survivable bad situation in ways that can possibly mitigate the hardships, and even if it doesn’t help in the end, you feel better knowing you at least did what you could.

Honestly, I’m not sure what good my preparations will do, if any, because every single actual hint I got “from above” was about the “other side”, afterwards, and it felt wonderful. I wasn’t warned to stock up on canned beans because I’ll have to survive a nuclear holocaust or something. I was told that this nightmare will end for me. So, why am I still buying gold coins, fixing my car, fixing the leaky roof window and buying a new computer? Why am I not just letting go and letting everything turn to shit? Because that’s not my style. When the end comes, it will find me firmly in control of things, acting as if everything will go on forever, with car serviced, phone batteries charged and with enough gold to ride through a really bad shitstorm, God willing. And at every single second of dealing with things as if they are to go on forever, I will be ready to go at any moment.


I find the term “woke” disgusting, because it’s an English agrammatism, used by people who are unable to say “awakened”, because education is apparently racist, and speaking English poorly is apparently a matter of culture.

However, when we try to define what it means, in practice, it’s quite hard, because one would be tempted to write down the entire syllabus of neo-Marxism that underlies it, which would be a lengthy and impractical endeavour.  I thought about it, and here’s what I came up with.

“Woke” is a state of willingness to substitute reality with illusory beliefs whenever truth hurts. Basically, it’s rejection of reality in order to pander to affectations.

The fundamental attitude of science is to carefully measure the facts, and then allow them to lead you wherever reality is. To be “woke” is the exact opposite of that – you start with ideology, and if the facts refute it, the facts are “wacist”.

There is a definition of mental illness as a state of mind that is in disagreement with reality, and that, apparently, is what being “woke” is – an affirmation of mental illness as a legitimate take on life.


Closing window

There have been multiple reports from America that the banks are closing the accounts of the local precious metal dealers. There have been all kinds of analyses based on the assumption that there isn’t a conspiracy and that the coin shops have merely been “acting suspiciously” according to some AML/KYC bullshit the banks are implementing, but I find this extremely unlikely, as no evidence of it has been presented. Rather, let’s approach this from the position of game theory.

The banks in America are reporting a very significant outflow of deposits, caused, obviously, by the fact that the banks are either going bankrupt or are being rescued by the state, and the legislature is in place allowing the banks to bail themselves in with their clients’ funds, as long as those are above a certain threshold, which in America is the FDIC limit of $250000. In theory, everything up to this limit is “safe”, and everything above that limit will be treated according to the principle of “steal from the rich, they can afford it”. In the EU, the guaranteed limit is much lower, 100000 €.

What has been happening behind the scenes is perfectly logical – people have been trying to rescue their money from the looming threat. Some think that the bigger banks are safer so they are moving their money to the biggest banks, although this logic might be misguided, since the state is using the biggest banks to rescue all the problematic assets, which might in fact collapse those biggest banks together with the state economy – essentially, they are trading strategic balance for a tactical respite. Other people are trying to move money into real estate, or something else that is out of harm’s way. One of those obvious options is to order gold and silver bullion from a bullion dealer and wire him the money. The banks noticed the pattern – basically, there is a “sink” to which the money can escape from their accounts, and “someone” told them to close this option, and thus all the “unexpected” and quite coordinated closures of the bullion dealers’ bank accounts.

Basically, the time window for rescuing money from the system is closing. Either its value will be inflated away because the states are drowning in debt, and inflating the money in order to make the debt manageable is too tempting an option for any scoundrel to resist, and/or all citizen assets will be subject to such a tight control, everybody will essentially be given an allowance sufficient for bare survival, in the short time before this totalitarian neo-communist control scheme collapses, following the example of all such schemes that have been tried in the past.

My expectation is that the next thing the banks will do is limit the amount one can wire out from their account using the Internet banking system, under some fabricated cause; a good example is the OTP bank in Croatia, which limits the wire transfer amount to 30000kn, or something under 4000 €. For anything more than that you need to come to your bank physically and sign the transfer. Now, let’s say there’s a lockdown due to the next plandemic, and the banks are closed because reasons, and so you can’t physically go there and order a transfer. This would effectively bottleneck your ability to transfer money out of the trap it’s in, and if you make too many successive 4000 € transfers, this would likely qualify as “suspicious activity” and your account would be suspended, pending review. If you think this is paranoid or unrealistic, you are an idiot, because all the mechanisms for this are already in place. You can already use your money only for things the state/bank conglomerate allows, and stringent measures are in place to ensure compliance. It’s merely a matter of them modifying the list of allowed behaviours, so soon you’ll have to ask for your mommy’s permission to use your money to buy toilet paper so you can take a shit.

When the general populace wakes up and smells the coffee, it will be far too late for them to do anything constructive. That might not be a problem, though, for most of them are up to their eyebrows in debt anyway, so the issue of them rescuing their assets from the system is moot.


I’ve been dealing with the second really bad narcissist in the last two months, and I’m wondering whether there’s a message or a lesson I’m missing, so God keeps sending them my way until I get it.

So, I’ll try to think out loud here and try to figure it out.

The common belief of narcissists seems to be that they are “good persons”, and everything that contradicts this belief is someone else’s fault. Also, they feel entitled to everything – they are entitled to your full trust and confidence, and take offence if you call them out in any way. Every form of interaction is riddled with tripwires and red flags you need to avoid of doing things exactly the way they want it, or shit instantly hits the fan. They act as if they have an innate right to everything and everyone, and the only way for you to not be attacked is unconditional obedience and submission, where boundaries are never clearly defined because they feel the innate right to extend them whichever way they feel like at the moment.

I wanted to say that God is the only person who actually has absolute rights, but that’s actually not true, because God respects His children as having innate sovereignty that roots down to the fact that their souls are made from God-stuff, and so the sovereignty of God propagates throughout His creation. I initially thought that the defining characteristic of narcissists is hubris, or claiming that which is true only for God, but it seems to be actually worse than that – they claim rights not even God claims, which makes me think of why that might be.

I think the actual cause is innate spiritual emptiness. A narcissist is the opposite of God. God is fullness that gives, and a narcissist is emptiness that claims and takes.

A narcissist cries because he feels wronged, and feels he is owed so much that he didn’t receive. A good person cries because he wronged others, or feels that he could have done so much better. Interestingly, a narcissist never, ever feels remorse – only regret that things didn’t go his way, the way things are supposed to go. Remorse is a different feeling – a feeling where you know what is right, and knowing you fall short. It hurts, but there is beauty and glory of God behind the hurt, because you saw the glimpse of that which is the wonder of wonders, beyond, and you repent for your unworthiness and strive to overcome it.

Do I have to face narcissists because I am somehow vulnerable to being exploited by them? I don’t feel particularly vulnerable – I instinctively go into intellectual, analytical mode with them, focusing on facts and evidence and completely ignoring all the emotional snares they constantly use to provoke empathy in others they are perfectly incapable of feeling themselves. Am I a narcissist myself, and they are a mirror God is having me face? I can understand what they are, so there is obviously enough of it in me to cause good understanding, but I could say that about almost anything, since I was always prone to losing myself in reflecting others, and that has always been my weakness. Or is that it? My weakness of excessive empathy that makes me function like a chameleon, losing myself in the environment, appropriating the colour of things around me and never truly being myself? Are those narcissists a warning, that I should claim myself or be perpetually exploited and abused? My mother was a narcissist, and a very bad one at that, and she caused some very deep injuries, that mostly have to do with the ability to exist as my own person, and not just a service provider to others. There’s probably something there; I recently went to buy a fountain pen because I realised that I neglected my handwriting over the years of wearing out keyboards, and I felt deep unease and revulsion when I came upon a certain style of Pelikan fountain pens that my mother used to have in her drawer when I was a child, and this feeling of disgust was overwhelming to the point where I wondered what the hell that was – apparently, it is a part of what she considered her “golden years”, and she extended all kinds of fantasies and crazy entitlement and dreams of a happy future she is owed, until the damn children happened and took it all away from her. She never failed to mention how I ruined her life by merely existing, several times a day, and that fountain pen seemed to be so impregnated with her narcissism that it felt like a disgusting cursed object, a Nazgul’s blade or something, and the implicit message of my mother to me was that she had the right to be happy, and I took that away from her by being born, and it is my fault for not getting out of her way, the fault for all of her life being devoid of all the things she dreamt of. The implicit message of narcissists is that you only have a right to exist if that pleases them and increases their greatness. I resist them, but there is a vulnerability and a pain somewhere in there, as well – probably something that makes me want to get along with people and be invisible, probably a desire not to provoke my mother’s anger by existing, and this is completely inconsistent with what I would have to be were I to incarnate my full power, power of the kind that has the absolute right to exist, power that has the right to manifest itself regardless, because it is rooted in the will of God, and that probably looks like whatever it is that the narcissists do, to me, and I object to it on some level. Can this be it? It does strike me as true.

Oh, I had an idea just now.

The point of this world is to be a place where narcissists come in order for them to have God get out of their way, so that they can enjoy true life and happiness, without Him.

God existing and being that great wonderful thing that everybody strives for and wishes to embody is something narcissists perceive as a crime against them, if they have to witness it and suffer it, because somebody else being the focus of attention is a terrible offence against them. God should just get out the way, the damnable selfish creature that would want them to put Him in the center of their Universe, where they and nothing else belongs.

I think this is it. That’s why my mother keeps crossing my mind when I try to figure this out – she and her attitude towards me is an incredibly archetypal example of a very widespread problem.

About sin

There was a question on the forum about sin, remorse and so on. I touched on some aspects of it there, but then realised there is more to be said, so I’ll elaborate here.

The question was whether someone like Judas could repent for his sin of betraying Jesus and become pure again.

My answer was that the feeling of remorse is the result of sin being outright faced and not hidden away from, and that sin, in essence, means that cohesive forces between the fundamental particles of your spiritual body are being weakened. Sin, in that respect, is like heat being injected into a refrigerator, which then needs to work harder in order to extract. However, it’s all a function of mass and temperature. Inject enough mass of enough heat and the refrigerator will break down. This is, in essence, what happens if gravity of the sin committed exceeds the amount your spiritual body, defined by the number of kalapas and the cohesive forces that bind them, can handle without being fatally disrupted and, essentially, disintegrating.

A soul instinctively tries to protect itself from this, and since trauma caused by sin is a function of understanding, this self-protection usually takes the form of encapsulating the entire traumatic memory and ability to understand it into some compartment isolated by a layer of astral substance. There are various names for such structures, but the one I found most accurate is “larva”. A larva has the external “wrapping” that eventually bursts, flooding the rest of your spiritual body with content that was deemed too traumatic to handle, and when that happens, you can either repeat the process and wrap things up again, or you can bite the bullet and face trauma head-on, and that’s where remorse and spiritual pain enter the picture, and if you are able to endure the pain, the trauma-causing chaotic energy disrupting your spiritual body is eventually spent, unless the magnitude of it is too great and it fatally disrupts your spiritual body and you cease to exist as a spiritual being. Obviously, a spiritual being will try to avoid this outcome and instantly wrap-up everything into a larva as soon as it becomes too much to handle. My yogic techniques’ primary purpose is to make this process more survivable by allowing one to vent trauma with mantric resonance and up-stream kriya, and to target things deliberately with insight into the inner space. Essentially, remorse and suffering is still what does the actual cleansing and re-harmonization of the spiritual body, but the techniques are there to avoid the outcomes that either kill you or make you panic and wrap the whole thing up again.

So, what exactly is the problem with wrapping it up into a larva?

First of all, the part of your spirit that is wrapped up is not usable or accessible to you, which is about as great as having part of your brain unusable or inaccessible, only worse because the problem outlives the body. Furthermore, the instinct to protect yourself from the traumatic experience influences your behaviour. You avoid the truth and the light, and part of creating the protective shield around your sin involves creating complex worldviews to justify yourself – it can involve entire false ideologies. Also, since the light of God instantly causes larvas to burst, exposing the sinner to trauma, the instinct of a sinner is to hide himself in some dark place, far from God, most of his soul locked away and paralysed, leaving him with a very narrow ability to do anything, and persistent suffering caused by such a state is often in a state of equilibrium with the fear of facing the traumatic things that were locked away. And in that state, the sinner is either completely paralysed, or tries to boost his ego with egomaniacal boasting about how great and free he is and what miserable beings God and His angels and believers are, not having his freedom and virtue. Hell is a place where you have such doomed souls, rotting away, causing each other suffering and cursing God and everything that is holy. Since every such action further weakens the soul and produces results that are opposite of healing, the only eventual outcomes are either to be finally destroyed, or to face your sin and endure the suffering of remorse, and thus slowly re-acquire the ability to face God’s light.

Essentially, efforts to protect oneself from the onslaught of remorse only delay the eventual outcomes of either doom, or purification. In order to be able to return to God, you need to face the truth about yourself and your actions, which might be a highly unpleasant experience, but there is no way to ultimately avoid it. So, my technique of yoga consists primarily of re-claiming the parts of your soul that were locked away into larvas, facing and surviving the pain, and growing larger by being able to “move” in an increasingly larger part of your spiritual domain, which is increasingly free from “land mines”. Is it possible to resolve extreme things, such as betraying someone like Jesus? Probably, if you have the virtues of someone like Jesus, because he would be able to face the judgment and punishment for anything. However, since sinners are usually also cowards and weaklings, they will protect themselves and their weakness above all else, and will be reduced to guarding the integrity of the larva with the totality of their being, until it eventually bursts and they whimper away into the nothingness they chose for themselves. That’s what I meant by survivability being the function of mass and temperature; if your soul is great and its internal cohesive forces are very high, you will have greater “intestinal fortitude” required for facing and enduring things. This means that greater souls have the capacity for dealing with greater problems, and the lesser souls lack the capacity for dealing with more-less anything, and if a lesser soul commits a sin above its pay grade, that usually doesn’t end well, unless it is saved by the grace of God, in some way.