I perceived something both strange and expected when parsing the stream of karmic garbage that went my way to be processed. It seems that lots of people spent lots of time and energy trying to find fault with me in order to justify themselves – either not choosing what I offered, or lying to me, or betraying me, or not having enough courage to overcome their limitations. They always have a list of all the things I did wrong, or at least I did wrong in their mind, as if my perfection were a prerequisite for them to even start doing the things I told them to do. Basically, they seem to believe that if I didn’t prove my perfection to them, they had no obligation to be faithful and obedient.

The reason why I find that funny is that God never had a problem with any of that. I actually did – I used to whine, bitch and moan to God about how I did something wrong, how I must be a disappointment to him, and unworthy of trust he bestowed upon me by entrusting me with leading people. The answer I got to one of those tirades was quite revealing. Basically, I was suddenly in a state of darshan and God conveyed understanding that I am exactly the way I am because he made me that way. My apparently flawed, vulnerable and frequently damaged condition was his design. It was not my fault. I just chose to be faithful and loyal to him, and he did everything else. That was somewhere around 2007, if I remember correctly, when all hell conspired to destroy me, and I felt that it was doing a good job. I was never more damaged, prone to mistakes, or spiritually injured and under attack than at those times, and God’s opinion on that was “yeah, I did that because you trusted me into it; none of it is your fault, and I’m certainly not judging you for it”.

So, it’s an interesting contrast; the humans who were entrusted to me were basically maintaining a mental list of all the things about me that were too human, not Divine enough, where I said something wrong, where I didn’t look the right way, where things happened to me that looked inconsistent with what they expected someone entrusted by God to be experiencing, and I myself would show a similar list of my own making to God, and he was basically “yeah, sorry about doing that to you, but that’s what the path of surrender to God looks like”. My first reaction was shock and disbelief. My second reaction was “oh, so maybe I didn’t actually fuck things up and fall out of God’s grace”.

I’ve also been thinking… people seem to obsess over what they did wrong, over their imperfections, flaws and things that are human nature, but they have somehow been made to believe that they put you on the wrong side of God’s temper. On the other hand, the only thing God expects of them is to be obedient and faithful to him. Basically, to keep doing what they know is his will even when they can’t confirm it, the way they keep brushing their teeth every day regardless of the lack of confirmation that it’s good and useful. God isn’t expecting you to solve Bessel equations to prove that you’re good enough. He’s not expecting you to do any of the silly things people equate with sainthood either. The only thing he expected you to do was to remain loyal, to obey his will, and to keep the faith forever.

Some people think, somehow, that if they give God a list of all the things I did in less than absolutely perfect manner, they will be absolved of any and all crimes, because God apparently doesn’t know who I am. If God only knew how imperfect, vulnerable and flawed I was, of course he wouldn’t demand that they follow me unconditionally or to obey me.

What a wonderfully innovative concept. It’s not like it’s been tried before. God will surely side with you and against me, because you are many and I’m one, and it’s a democracy. If you all testify against me, I’ll be in so much trouble. It’s not that God’s been there when you were thinking what kind of bullshit to invent to get yourself off the hook. Also, God is going to be so surprised when you tell him your story, because he doesn’t know what I’ve been doing here behind his back, and when he learns, I’ll be in trouble and you’ll be vindicated.

That’s sarcasm, btw.