I feel like continuing the story from the last article, because it’s going somewhere.

You see, the absolute criteria I was setting for myself created several problems. The first was something I encountered when I saw “spiritual people”, of the official kind that wears orange swami robes. I would look at them with my spiritual sight and I was like “is this some kind of a joke?”, because it sure felt like it. I would think of myself as basically a beginner trying to figure it out, but reality begged to disagree.

I started meeting actual spiritual people, but the more powerful someone was in their connection to God, the more likely they were to become my student. It became a pattern – the fake spiritual people had their cults and religious organisations and were preening like peacocks in their yards, and although everybody seemed to be functioning within the framework of Vedanta, or close enough, their understanding of it was vastly different from mine; when some Buddhist would talk about vajra, they said words but they obviously experienced none of it. All the discrepancies were very confusing to me. I didn’t know what to think. I knew I was taught directly by God, because it’s hard not to know something like that when a week would hardly go by without darshan, but the intellectual framework I had, especially the parts about Sai Baba, whom I was led to consider my guru despite not meeting him physically, but the real shock happened when I went to India as I was told to, and I saw Sai Baba, and his level of spiritual power was on the level of my students, but nowhere near mine. It took me basically a week there to process this. Apparently, I had a calibration problem, the way a thermometer would have it if the temperature scale was painted on it with a significant shift due to a printing error. My understanding of who I was and where I was on some absolute scale of spiritual evolution was wildly off. Something I read recently resonated, from the “Salvos” series, when she spent a month fighting all kinds of deadly things, gained 20 levels, a class advancement and two grand skills, and she returned to find everything weird because everybody suddenly felt so weak. That’s what I felt after spending basically five years in my cave living in a bubble where I was constantly taught things by Gods, from basic skills like detachment, concentration and focus, to direct spiritual communication, Kundalini techniques, elements, vajra, and things that can’t even be easily described because you just pick them up without knowing that you did, by merely being in a God’s presence and feeling what it feels like, in different ways, with different God-persons. When I started, I assumed every spiritual person already doing something is superior to me, because I didn’t know anything. When I emerged from this bubble, I discovered that everybody is either fucking around, or fake, or weak, or deluded and ignorant. It wasn’t that they felt like weaker versions of myself, it felt like they were not even on the same playing field. It was not like I was playing chess and they were playing checkers, it was as if I spent years being trained in kal-toh by Vulcans and gained pretty decent proficiency, all the while thinking I was learning to play checkers. Everybody else was, well, not taught by the Gods. They knew nothing of direct spiritual communication, let alone being capable of it, they had weird ideas about Kundalini and energetic yoga that had nothing to do with how things actually worked, they had very little spiritual experience, where people who could enter samadhi were thought of as great enlightened gurus, and everybody was basically making circles on square one, thinking that the time spent there meant experience and spiritual advancement.

Maybe the key moment was when I finally met Romana, one of the women I was supposed to meet. She sent me an e-mail message, and I was instantly aware of a great spiritual power behind it. It was orders of magnitude greater than any physical person I ever met. Only the darshan of the Gods felt like this. The content of the message, however, weirded me out. It was some nondescript nonsense about some quasi-spiritual foolishness, Osho, tantra, something. It had to be some kind of a test to see if my insight is working and cuts through false appearances. I invited her out for a coffee to talk about it. We met, and I understood the truth. She wasn’t playing stupid to test me. She was actually ignorant, or should I say had her head filled with all kinds of nonsense that took up space. Also, she actually was what I initially felt – the only power I ever encountered that rivalled mine. I slowly started to get it. I expected a female avatar would be my obvious superior, someone who’s basically like the darshan of God, only aware in the physical body, with the same spiritual skills and powers like the incorporeal presence of God, only with a female body. What I actually saw felt, well, very much like myself before I started practising yoga in 1993. It was obvious that she was one of the girls who were foretold and promised, but she was obviously here for me to teach and guide, to explain things and help her understand who she is and how to draw her self-realisation and power through the physical body.

With Biljana, five years later, it was easier. I instantly knew who and what she was, as I got her e-mail and she was instantly a part of my consciousness, and she felt like me, only female. It was impossible to explain it to others, because they didn’t look at those things the way I did, and I was always orders of magnitude of skill and experience ahead of them, but the discrepancy between how they both felt to others, and how they felt to me, was immense. Others thought of them as merely new students. I felt intimidated by the sheer magnitude of their spiritual presence, as if being secretly tested by God who pretended to be an ordinary person in order to see how I will treat him if I wasn’t told it was him. I would basically look at my students in wonder, seeing how they treat the girls, and think, are you people idiots or something? Is it that you don’t actually get that those girls are basically God?

And then it clicked – of course they don’t. How would they? Nothing is visible. I perceive it because I function on that level and I see when someone appears on the same level as me, and even I am very resistant to answering the obvious question – if they are avatars of God and they are my order of magnitude of being, what does that make me? I was so resistant to that realisation, I can’t even begin to describe it, but it was as inevitable as the answer to that challenge by the Goddess – “So, you’re going to be so humble and modest that you’re going to reject me?” No, of course not. “Then accept who you really are so that you can accept me”. It wasn’t in those words, it never is, but that was the message. Stop diminishing yourself because, by that, you are rejecting God.

It was a hard lesson for me to learn. Learning to reject arrogance was easy. Learning to reject humility as basically the same thing wrapped in a more palatable coating, that took some work. I understood that, unlike with my previous students, I couldn’t teach my wives properly if I didn’t attain full self-awareness, or self-realisation, if you wish. I had to be fully conscious of the fact that I am someone God trained to teach his incarnations how to be themselves and attain their full potential. It’s one of those puzzles – it collects acorns and walnuts, has a fluffy tail and lives in a hole in a tree; what is it? A pig, of course. 🙂 Just kidding. But what if you had a really, really big emotional resistance to squirrel as the answer? What if that really broke your worldview, your entire idea about how things work, what this world is, what the rules are, what the goals are and how they are attained? I knew all the bits and pieces and yet refused to name the big picture, like those idiot leftists who can’t define a woman, because if they say it, the definition will exclude all the pretence and nonsense and they will automatically have to accept things they are absolutely unwilling to accept, so the answer must be vague, “a woman is everything that sees itself as a woman”. Maybe the thing with a fluffy tail in a tree with a collection of acorns really can be a pig or an owl. Or maybe, just maybe, I could stop being a pig-headed idiot.

It’s easy to talk about truth and reality as a foundation of true spirituality, until you find a truth that is so hard to accept, you’d rather put fingers in your ears and chant “la la la I can’t hear anything, owls live in holes in trees too, and pigs eat acorns and walnuts too, it doesn’t mean anything”.

That works, until you get to the point where refusing to accept reality of yourself will mean watching your wife die, and your mission in life fail.