There are a few more things I want to talk about, regarding all that mess with students and failed student candidates I was involved with over the early years.

The first thing is the concept of “testing”, that arose multiple times in two forms – them testing me and me testing them. That’s one of the first concepts you read in those silly books about zen and what not – you know the drill, the guru leaves the student candidate waiting in front of the locked monastery doors overnight and tells him to leave multiple times, to test his resolve, and taking him in after he persists. I find that both stupid and offensive, to be honest, and I would never do that. It’s like a girl telling a guy “no” multiple times and expecting him to continue pursuing her to test his resolve. Today, in “no means no” times, that would be grounds for imprisonment. Also, I’m not a person who messes with people and tells them falsehoods in order to test them or fuck with them. If I tell you “no”, it means “fuck off”, not “do try again”. However, testing is important since you don’t want to end up with people who are not serious, especially if you’re doing things that cost you and are potentially damaging. Also, you don’t want to be involved with people who are not serious, because they might get hurt doing things they aren’t supposed to do, and then they’ll blame you.

I honestly have to admit I didn’t even think about any of this, because it’s not like I had an idea about teaching people and had to figure out how to attract students and reject wrong candidates. I was basically blackmailed by God into the whole thing. I wanted to take students about as much as I wanted to get crucified, which is to say not at all. I was an introvert who meditated and read books for fun, and after the first initiation I was so serious about attaining enlightenment that humans never even crossed my mind, except as something that causes disturbances that I want to avoid. I didn’t even know how to express complex ideas in form of a rhetorical narrative, because all the serious talking I did was with my brother, in form of our internal shorthand with abundance of telepathy. How would I even approach teaching people? It was a ridiculous concept that I never gave a single thought. However, after getting that offer I couldn’t refuse from God, I started practicing thinking in ways that would be conducive to explaining complex spiritual concepts to people, and combining it with my telepathic abilities in ways that would do more guiding than explaining. Still, the concept of testing people didn’t even cross my mind. The reason for that is simple: I expected God to do that part for me. What I had to do is become a visible target for them to find, and I expected God to basically send the right people to me. Of course I expected the wrong ones to be attracted as well, but I had a very simple way of filtering them out; I expected them to hate me. I formulated thoughts in very straightforward terms that was meant to be attractive to people who have a transcendental longing or connection, and repulsive to everybody else, basically mantrically charging my speech so that it sang of God and transcendence. Basically, my approach was “if you hate me, excellent, and please tell all your friends to hate me as well so that none of you would bother me in the future while I focus on what’s important”. Basically, I wanted to look like an angry porcupine to all the wrong people, so that they would fuck off, while at the same time looking exactly like the goal the right people were looking for. This worked well enough, in a sense that none of the right people were rejected, but I got plenty of false positives from people who found my bristling style attractive for wrong reasons. The second layer of filtering happened when I would meet them in person, enter a meditative state where I was God’s presence, and opened this to the candidate. If they didn’t react well, or at all, I would consider the filtering process complete. If they reacted and experienced some degree of spiritual awakening, often if not always accompanied by Kundalini awakening, this would mean that they accepted God’s offer and became official student candidates. I would consider someone a proper student once they did the next level of acceptance of initiation, and actually made effort to keep and deepen what they received; basically, I defined a student as someone who is not only open, but accepts what’s been offered and applies their will and effort in order to retain it and go in that direction by their own power and choice, actively holding on and working rather than being held.

The third level of testing was something both God and Satan did and I had nothing to do with it. Basically, Satan provided temptations and tricks, and God created situations where they would actually make choices that were just hard enough to be workable, and withheld “candy” so that he could tell that they actually chose him, and not merely to feel good. As you can expect, that minor test created a wall that was impenetrable for people who didn’t make right and serious choices. Also, all seem to have been offered things that embodied their worldly desires, and they could get all the things they seemingly wanted God for, and the test was whether they were here for those things alone. Also, super easy test, and also, total failathlon.

So, no, I didn’t do any testing, at least not in the way you would read about in spiritual books. I was serious and straightforward, offered everything I could and expected people who came claiming they want God to act accordingly. The actual tests were done by God, who has no habit of allowing undeserved spiritual promotion, and Satan, who has no habit of allowing anyone to escape him if he can at all help it.

The second type of testing is the supremely silly idea that students will test the guru. I say it’s silly because God told me he’s sending me people who depend on me being there for them and who will instantly see me as the reason they were born here at all. So, if someone wants to test me, it means they are not one of those people and I will intentionally fail all of their tests just to get rid of them more quickly. The ones I was expecting had much better things to do when they found me, such as having instant spiritual experience and crying tears of joy. If someone wasn’t reacting that way, instead playing intellectual games, it means they weren’t the ones I’m here for, game over.

There was also a third type of testing – whether I will be able to recognise people who are super powerful, but super fucked up, and filter them out from people who were fucked up but because they are sinful and wrong. I think I passed all of those, but I can of course never be sure. You see, a rough diamond, uncut, looks like a piece of gravel. A piece of gravel also looks like gravel. Also, a piece of nicely cut glass looks like a diamond. Zirconium oxide also looks like a diamond. A diamond with inclusions that will make it shatter when you attempt to cut it can also look like a prime stone when uncut. Sorting those out caused me endless trouble, because I didn’t dare let go of possible prime people I was waiting for, to the point of keeping the wrong ones around for far too long, allowing them to create all sorts of mischief. However, sometimes the best people created mischief themselves while they were sorting themselves out, and had I been more strict, it would create all kinds of fail. This was the worst, most expensive and damaging part of the whole process, and I had to let some students create terrible problems to others, but I don’t think it could have been helped, because those creating mischief contained both some of the best and some of the worst, and those who were adversely influenced by them also contained some of the best and some of the worst. It was an incredibly complicated mess, and people looking from the outside probably thought that I handled things poorly, but that’s because they didn’t know what the stakes were and how layered and intricate the problems were. Yoga is a process where you start fucked up and gradually sort yourself out. Expecting people to not be fucked up in the beginning is both naive and dangerous. However, how do you tell who’s fucked up in what way and for what reason, and what’s going to prevail? You essentially can’t, you just need to support them all to the point of decision, and possibly somewhat further just to make sure, even if it costs you.

So much for the concept of testing. Essentially, I considered myself unqualified for it and outsourced it to God, and to the people themselves. They did it all for me, I just had to draw the line at some point.

The second concept that was sometimes introduced by some students, candidates and others, was whether this relationship was completely one-sided or mutual, in a sense of me getting something from them in return.

This one is tricky. On one hand, I had no personal desires in the matter. God told me he has a plan, that plan went completely against both my expectations and wishes, but I accepted it because, basically, my wishes are where God is, so that’s that. This produced a complex set of results. On one hand, it was incredibly taxing and hurtful for me, and on the other hand I learned about Satan, I got access to him because of his acts against me, I learned what this is actually about, and I grew so much stronger in the process it’s not even funny.

However, in a sense those people usually meant, thinking we’re in some kind of a human mutual relationship where both sides enjoy each other’s company and no side has debts towards the other, that’s not at all what was going on. The point where I would actually consider the relationship mutual would be where the other person would completely accept God, and then from this acceptance of God manifest Divine energies towards me as both a physical and spiritual person, manifesting towards me what God would do in their place. That would be a mutual relationship, and in Hindu terminology it would be called a lila. That’s basically what happens when two Gods agree to incarnate together, for instance Shiva and Vishnu who alternate as each other’s guru, because both have immense respect for each other’s transcendence, wisdom and virtue, and would hardly trust someone else with it. Also, when Krishna and his Goddess incarnate and she’s his wife, and that’s an actually equal partnership because for him to have a normal human female soul as a wife would be like marrying your dog. So, all kinds of things took place there, from relationships that are completely one-sided, where I’m offering everything and paying all the costs myself, and the other person is just benefiting from it because I thought I owe it to God, to relationships where the other person is so powerful I’m basically looking at my female counterpart, only with a physical brain that lacks training, and it’s someone who can actually help me and make me feel better and is an actual partner. So, the answer is, it depends – yes, no, first no then somewhat or yes, and so on. It also had nothing to do with how that person presented themselves; sometimes people assumed that someone is my partner and they were merely a very arrogant student candidate who mostly subverted me before outright failing. The most powerful person I ever met would act like a small kitten that you carry in your coat pocket. The more one would act powerful and independent, the more you could tell they are a failed candidate. I can honestly say I’ve seen it all, and for the most part I could only do my thing and let things sort themselves out, because chaos is always part of the process of growth and purification. It’s always messy, hurtful and nasty, like throwing a hand grenade into a septic tank.