There’s something I never wrote about, or even talked about before, but I feel like it’s time now.

It was somewhere between 1994 and 1996; I think 1996, but I’m not sure about the years anymore because it’s been a long time. I was basically an urban monk, meditating and practicing the yogic techniques I managed to figure out by myself at that point, but I haven’t developed the Kundalini techniques yet, and initiation into vajra was definitely in the future. At that point I already had a nirvikalpa samadhi experience and my vision of the future was to attain perfection at yoga and discarnate in the next few months. It seemed like an obvious thing; I had no worldly desires and the pursuit of enlightenment finally felt like the right thing to do, instead of aimlessly searching for something that would make sense. My family was hell, but at that point I learned to manage hell just fine, so I barely even noticed. Running away from that wasn’t my motive; I just found what I wanted and felt there’s really nothing else of value to bother with. I prayed to God to guide me and give me permission and skills necessary to do it. At first there was nothing, but I persisted. At one point I found myself in a state of darshan. A male presence, one of the “guys up there”.

What happened next is very hard to describe because it took mere seconds, but contained extreme amounts of densely packed spiritual interactions. He asked a clear question, “Do you trust me?”, and the undertone was a stream of knowledge about people who were incarnated exclusively because of me, they came here to be with me and if I chose to leave their lives will be empty and meaningless, just trauma and emptiness, and I saw multiple women specifically and many other people as well, but too quickly to get the details; I just knew I hadn’t met any of them yet. The other undertone was that I could refuse, but it would be a disappointment to God and to them. I said “yes” and the vision ended.

So, this is how a reclusive monk started looking for ways to make himself public enough to be seen and found by those people whom I now knew were looking for me. What I did publicly say is that I was authorised to teach and be a spiritual leader, and that was absolutely true. It was only partially true at that point; I was authorised to make myself known and to show, but after the initiation into Vajra, a year or so later, this changed, I think because I became resistant to spiritual corruption.

Why didn’t I say anything about this before? I was pretty much traumatised by it, that’s why. I think I still am, despite the fact that all of it came true since and I saw the entire logic behind it. The reason why I was traumatised was because of how disrespectful and manipulative the fake choice was – basically, it was strongly suggested that I follow the plan, and although I could refuse, it would be a wrong choice and God would be disappointed in me and so on. It’s basically an offer you can’t refuse sugarcoated just enough to not immediately look like something mafia would do. Also, he didn’t tell me the actual story, just the part that would make me accept easily, because I saw the souls involved and I cared about them and didn’t want to abandon them in this infernal place. He didn’t tell me that some of those students that would be sent my way would be fake, traitors and bastards, that Satan will use most of them to hook me to the world so that I can never leave while the structure of the world stands, that I will be in mortal danger unless I solve the problem nobody else in history managed to even scratch. I wasn’t told that Satan even existed, or that he already used very sophisticated ways of deception against me, mixing parts of darshan and samadhi experiences with his Sai Baba stuff, deceptions that are so scary I didn’t even talk about their actual nature because I thought people would lose all hope in possibility of salvation. I wasn’t just wrong about those things, I was deceived in ways that are absolutely horrific, which is why I said in the previous article that Satan used things against me and my girls that are just horrible. He could mix spiritual experience with deception to give his deception an almost ultimate authority. Breaking through that isn’t just hard; it also feels like blasphemy of sorts.

So yeah, I wasn’t told the bad and dangerous stuff, just that people I cared about will be abandoned and have their incarnation ruined if I said no. I wasn’t told that God will outright betray and abandon me if that was useful for getting rid of leeches and bastards. I thought, without being explicitly told, that if I accept God’s plan, that I will also have God’s help – I mean, having in mind that I was having this experience and others before it already meant that I had help from God, that I was guided and assisted, so it wasn’t that much of a stretch. What actually happened was that I was thrown into a pool of piranhas and for the most part the only actual source of help I could count on was my own set of abilities developed by spiritual practice, and if I got something wrong, which I did, all kinds of horrible consequences ensued, with Satan attacking me with increased openness and God maintaining a hands-off approach. At some point, I no longer felt like someone God entrusted with guiding people; I felt like human sacrifice, a worm impaled alive on a hook in order to catch a big fish that had to be killed at all cost, and I was expendable. I felt God had betrayed and used me, and Satan amplified that feeling to torture me.

Had I not seen other things, such as Her attitude towards me, I don’t think I’d pull through, honestly. How She treated me was the exact opposite to this horribly manipulative and coercive darshan; I knew there’s someone who’s actually on my side beyond anything I thought possible, who didn’t see me as a tool or manage me just enough to get maximum use out of me.

That’s why I keep saying that things are complicated in the transcendental sphere. It’s not just one God in many shapes, but many Divine beings with different characters, who evolved in different ways to reach their position and who have different roles in the whole thing. Yes, there are those who managed me the way you would manage a tool or a trained animal with a purpose, but then there is the Goddess who always treated me like I’m her whole world.

I’m sure that male Divine being who confronted me with that choice thought he was doing the right thing in the most straightforward way possible, and telling me what I needed to know in order not to fail my mission in this life. What he did was informative and useful and, honestly, had he told me more than he thought I could handle at that time, like the difficulties involved and so on, I still would have accepted the plan, but I would have felt respected, like someone who’s actually a part of the plan. Also, had She not talked to me, in Her own way, I am pretty certain I would have failed at multiple points. She corrected for the male deity’s deficiencies in just the right way, gradually creating the feeling that I actually matter as a person, and not that I’m just useful because I’m powerful and expendable.

Don’t get me wrong, not all male deities I met were insensitive assholes working for Don Corleone. Some were actually funny, for instance somewhere in 2006 or something I was with Domagoj and Dubravka and I asked why the fuck do I still have embargo on siddhis, and the answer came immediately in form of darshan; a male being, a different one (actually, more of them were present, I think). He “said” that I’d kill all the humans within ten minutes if I got my powers back. I started saying “no, I…”, and he just smirked knowingly, and I thought about it and saw that he was right, to which he nodded approvingly, in a sense “it’s actually a good idea, but we have our own way of approaching that problem”, smiled and left.

So, those things are the reason why I sometimes know things nobody expects me to know, and at other times I don’t know things everybody expects me to know. It’s also the reason why I’m completely certain about some things, and absolutely uncertain about others. It is what it is.

There’s a question people always seem to ask in a discourse about Christianity: why did God allow Satan to exist and tempt people, causing all sorts of suffering? Isn’t it God’s choice then, the outcome being his responsibility as well?

The Christians then talk about free will until they are blue in the face, but I have a somewhat different perspective. You see, there’s a thing God and Satan actually agree on, and it’s that undeserved salvation is abominable.

Satan had terrible motives hidden behind the apparent noble motives, but it’s like American financed opposition in some country America wants to destroy. They always protest against corruption, nepotism, and all kinds of scandals in order to gather support, but their actual cause is to destroy the country and allow the West to come in, break it up and sell it for raw material. That’s why Satan seemed to object to all kinds of beings inhabiting heaven, that would fail even the lightest imaginable test were it administered. Of course, he wanted to destroy everybody by making a test nobody could pass, but that’s a different matter. His nominal cause – pressure testing souls to see if they actually want God, or if they actually just want to feel good because that’s the consequence of God’s proximity – was something God seems to agree with.

Sure, they do it for different reasons. Satan sees beings who are of higher stature than him and feels jealousy, and wants to find a way to degrade and destroy them, and embarrass God for elevating them over him in the first place. God wants to be surrounded by beings who would be faithful to him even through greatest of hardships, instead of betraying him at the first sign of discomfort. Basically, what God wants from souls is similar to the situation a very wealthy man would want from his wife. If everybody knows he’s wealthy, all kinds of gold diggers will try to be his wife, but you don’t want to marry those because they will leave you as soon as they think the money is going to run out, someone better came along, or they think they can gain more from divorce than from marriage. What he would want to do is create a scenario that would filter out all the gold diggers, and leave only those who are there only for him, and would stay with him no matter what.

So, both God and Satan agreed that there needs to be some kind of a stress test. Satan wanted to make it a test everybody fails. God wanted to make it a test the truly loyal ones will pass, and not only that, but make it actually rewarding for them, and not just a terrible ordeal they were subjected to for no good reason, only to return to what they had before. No, there had to be a potential reward to match the potential doom.

So, this world is created by Satan in order to destroy you by testing you in a way you are not likely to pass, because the assumption is that you will want to choose the pleasant and the comfortable instead of God, and you will seek God in the direction of more power, more wealth, more pleasure, and that’s where the worldly traps are. You are not expected to recognize God without all the external things expected to accompany him. You’re not expected to recognize him if he were a shepherd or a carpenter, because you look for a king or a billionaire.

The trap looks terrible, because it bifurcates the essence from the energies that are expected to accompany it, and forces you to choose, with fatal outcomes if you choose wrong. Satan created this and thought nobody will pass, and was happy with his work. God saw this and thought, if someone passes this level of deception, they will indeed have proven themselves worthy and reliable, worthy of highest power and authority. Interestingly, the souls who looked at the test all thought it was easy and they could all pass. They all thought they could recognize God anywhere and remain loyal through anything, especially some illusion.

There were rules, of course. Both God and Satan were allowed to tempt and provide choices, but not directly influence outcomes. God wasn’t allowed to manifest Divine nature in a way so compelling that it would remove all possibility of doubt. Satan wasn’t allowed to use his authority over the world in order to kill. God is allowed to enter the simulation in order to present himself as a choice, but he needs to do so in ways that divorce him from his power, that would otherwise influence beings. Both shared profound contempt for spiritual gold diggers.

Satan thought he managed to hide his true intent from God. No, he didn’t. It’s just that God had his own plans and this seems to have played right into them. Also, Satan kind of had a valid point, the way all those colour revolution people kind of have a valid point about corruption. God’s way of filtering souls by allowing them to choose greater participation in virtues, but without a stress test, isn’t really effective. Basically, if you’re rich and handsome, how do you find a wife that isn’t a gold digger? All the gold diggers will swear they want you for your soul and your sense of humour and spiritual kinship or whatever. What you actually want is the one who would choose you over rich people even if you were a shepherd or a carpenter, and when she makes her choice, you remove the illusion.

God doesn’t like fair-weather friends. Satan is an envious bastard who will say everybody who loves God is a fair-weather friend. Both agreed there needs to be some kind of a test. Both agreed it needs to be hard and realistic. Where they didn’t agree, they agreed to limit both of their ability to influence outcomes.

And so, here we are.

I’ve been thinking about that previous article, where I said that my motive for doing the right thing was not disappointing people, among other things. That’s actually not completely true, now that I think of it. I don’t like disappointing people, but I will do whatever I deem necessary and correct from the position of the vertical connection I’m maintaining at all times. I am under no obligation to be rational, or to do things that will maintain a certain perception of me. That is ego structure, and although I maintain its appearance, in essence this is not how things work. If I had a pattern of behaviour that was predictable in this way, Satan would’ve made short work of me decades ago.

Also, God communicated something rather shocking to me once, months ago, when I asked why he deliberately left me hanging when I desperately needed support. He said that getting rid of traitors and self-serving bastards that were hanging on me at that time, pretending to be my students or pretending to want God if that could incur benefits for them, was so important that my interests were deliberately sacrificed, and that’s not seen as important because I’ll get all of my stuff back in the end, but those people needed to get reasons to betray me and fall off on their own, because the connection was formed in such a way that I couldn’t just cut them off on my own, and they needed to go at all cost. It can feel, sometimes, that God hates some people more than he loves me, but I think that’s just a human perspective, from a point in time, not from the eternity. From a higher perspective, this body is here with a purpose, and it’s mission first, and the tool doesn’t even have to know what the mission is, exactly. It needs to know what to do at the next step.

So yes, I will always do what I feel I have to do, and some of those things are deliberately tailored from above so that someone will get their reasons for fucking the hell off. It’s weird, and somewhat disturbing, but that’s much closer to how things actually work than what I wrote before.

I think my last articles surprised people quite a bit, but probably not all for the same reasons. If I talked about anything spiritual in the recent years, it would usually be the unpleasant stuff such as karmic transformations, and for some reason I think people interpret that as me being fucked up and inventing some rationalisation to explain it as something non-obvious, and since I didn’t mention God much either they concluded it’s because I’ve fallen out of grace or something. Also, the fact that I write about photography or politics doesn’t mean I can’t write about other things. It’s just that writing about God isn’t my only way of writing about God, if you get what I mean.

Also, I did not get weaker over the years and decades. Someone will say “who knows when that darshan he’s talking about happened, it might be decades ago”. No, it was last week, and again yesterday as I wrote the last article, thank you for asking (she made a comment). However, the last time before that was in the late 1990s, if I recall correctly. Too long; 27 years or something, unless you count being married to her tulku as a form of darshan and lila, which you actually should, in which case it’s a whole different story. Then someone’ll say it might not be real, it might be my mind playing tricks because I was feeling terrible and it’s a coping mechanism. Sorry to disappoint, but during those 27 years I felt mostly terrible and during the entire time I couldn’t even remember something like that well enough to fake it, or even well enough for it to be any comfort, let alone pull the experience out of my ass. It just doesn’t work that way. You see God when God wants to be seen, not when you want it or need it. Why now; I don’t know. Why not before; I don’t know that either. However, feeling terrible means I’m doing my job of being an anvil that breaks all hammers, not that I have fallen from God’s grace.

Some are asking the right questions, such as who the fuck am I, really, if all that is true? Well, that’s the worst kept secret of all time, I guess. Some will be in the “we knew it!” camp, others in the “oh fuck…”, but I have no wish to waste time spelling it out for you. But yes, I also take pictures of heather bushes in the sunset, and I also write political commentary and spend inordinate amounts of money on gear. 🙂 You might ask “why”, and the answer is “why not?” I’m not a fan of pompous and pretentious bullshit of any kind; in the afterlife, I’d be the one in jeans, chatting up the team over some equivalent of coffee that they have there.