How to catch God in a man trap

I’ve been considering one thing for a while and I’m not sure I have a definitive opinion, I’ll put some of my thoughts on paper in order to clarify them.

It’s about what happens with a failed tulku.

I won’t go into details of what a tulku, or an avatar, is. You can go look that up. Basically, it’s defined as incarnated motivation by a Purusha or a Buddha, depending on the belief system. In mahayana buddhism, a bodhisattva‘s compassion when perceiving the suffering of the world causes a metaphorical “teardrop” that falls onto the Earth and is born as a human being whose purpose is to alleviate ignorance and suffering. Essentially, it’s not the God or Bodhisattva who is incarnating, but a more complex, sophisticated thing. Christianity is on the right track with its Trinity concept, where God’s intent regarding the world causes God to become a different “person” – if he remains in the original form he is the Father, if he becomes a man in order to redeem humanity he is the Son, and if he is the uplifting spiritual force he is the Holy Ghost. Essentially, God can be many things at once without actually ceasing to exist in his original state. All those manifestations, however, are completely and fully God, they are not something of a lower quality or inferior.

So, a tulku is something akin to the Son in the concept of Trinity – it is something that is both fully man and fully Buddha, and also a process of man trying to “reattach” to Buddha, to self-realize by both manifesting the Buddha’s mission of compassion and re-connecting with his own true nature.

The problem is, those tulkus usually state that buddhahood is everyone’s true nature, because it is their true nature. They see the path from being a Buddha in ignorance to being a Buddha in realization, but that’s more a description of what a tulku is, than a description of a normal human’s spiritual path. To a human soul, a realization of his true nature would look more like an NDE experience – you realize that you are in your true nature a spiritual being, you understand that you are more than you thought but there’s much that you need to learn. For a tulku, it’s the realization of that lower bird from the tree from the upanishads – it understand that the godlike bird above the tree is its true nature. This causes a slight problem in teachings, because to assume that something that applies to you applies universally for everyone else is a potential problem. It also opens us to my original dilemma – what happens if a tulku never actually attains self-realization, if he never actually completes the process of reuniting with the spiritual entity that cast it. If that tulku becomes deluded and attached in the world, is the original spiritual entity trapped, like a boat with an anchor that refuses to detach from the seabed, and the chain cannot be cut?

The main questions are, is it possible for a tulku to fail, and, second, if a tulku can fail, what is the exact nature and extent of the failure? Is it just failure to attain full realization of one’s nature while incarnated, or does it go further, into formation of attachments that bind it to samsara? If a tulku is bound to samsara, does it detach into an entity that is truly separate in both nature and destiny from the entity that had cast it, or does it bind that original entity to its fate?

So, that’s the question I’m dealing with. Let me try to find the answer.

The important aspects are “what is binding”, and “what is attachment”. An attachment forms when you are deluded enough to seek something in places where it is not. The classic example is to go after a mirage in a desert, thinking it to be a lake. You are attracted by the promise of a lake, but you are lured deep into the desert where you die of thirst. However, you can be attracted to a mirage, but realize its promise is false and you change your direction. Attachment is when you are so invested in your attempt that you refuse to acknowledge that it doesn’t work and will never work. Bondage, however, is when you are not allowed to leave due to some external influence, for instance you are in debt to a caravan leader who then sells you into slavery. So, it’s not always a simple matter of realizing the error of your ways and changing direction. You can get entangled into something that won’t let you go, and that’s where the serious problems start.

Then we get the aspect of “how are desires of a tulku different from ordinary human desires”. The main difference is the vector – the direction and magnitude. The direction of a tulku‘s every single desire is to reunite with the spiritual entity that cast it, and to fulfill its mission. You can delude a tulku into thinking that something is something that it is not, but there is no persistence to such attachments, and the illusions are very quickly tested and rejected, because a tulku doesn’t have neither time nor energy to waste on things that don’t contain what he’s looking for, and the magnitude of his desire to return to his true nature, having accomplished his mission, is such that it simply overpowers intensity of anything else. A tulku is like a honeybadger, he doesn’t give a fuck and just takes what he wants, completely ignoring or overpowering anything that might stand in its way. It eats bears, lions or cobras if they stand in its way, and you can shoot it but you can’t change its mind. Read about Milarepa’s life, you’ll see what I mean.

If tulku is killed while dedicated to his mission, he reunites with the casting entity. If he is deluded by something effective, persistent and deadly, lead to believe that his destiny is to go into a desert, where he fails in his mission and dies, we have a question: what if the illusion survives death? What if attachments of binding character were formed under the influence of that illusion? What if something effectively presented itself as his Master and offered fulfillment of his nature and mission and that resulted in failure? What if a combination of bad training, bodily weakness and poor judgment resulted in failure? What if a tulku has been seriously contaminated and compromised by wrong beliefs and wrong choices, and is that actually possible? If it’s possible, can it be undone after death, in full clarity and retrospective? I don’t know.

I’ve seen high spiritual beings bound to Earth, as by a thread, with obligations formed in a state of ignorance, that proved to be permanent and binding, and couldn’t be dissolved after death. I therefore know that it’s possible for a high being to be caught in such a trap, caught in the world like a bear or a wolf by its foot; can’t tear it off, can’t force it to let go. The danger seems to be quite real and this seems to answer at least a part of my question. The other part is, how to avoid this kind of entrapment. My personal solution is never to be human, always be a shadow of God. Follow the will of God in all things, and renounce any opinion, belief or a course of action if it is not sanctioned by God. Complete surrender to the will of God, which amounts to being God. You cannot threaten something that doesn’t care if it dies. You cannot bribe it if it wants only one thing, and that’s the one you don’t have to offer. You can’t convince it that it committed sin, when it doesn’t even believe that it exists, because only God is, and in Him there is neither sin nor impurity. So that answers that question.

The question that remains is, do other tulkus conform to this pattern? Will another of my kind respond to being trapped in bear trap not by trying to outpower the trap, not by trying to break off his leg, but by understanding that there is no bear to be caught, and it’s not a God trap, but a bear trap?

I’m still considering all this and my answers are by no means final.


I think I know of a way for a tulku to really, really fail.

It would need to recognize Sanat Kumar as God and pledge itself fully to him, initiate itself into his resources and basically become his servant. I think such a tulku would be absorbed by Sanat Kumar and would be permanently lost to its original caster; it would share Sanat Kumar’s fate.

Frequently thought questions

Wait a minute, if you say you are the same now as you were at the time of birth, that your essential consciousness is the same, what about the practice of yoga? Didn’t it change anything?”

Of course it changed things. I learned that things, that previously appeared to be merely states of consciousness, are in fact planes of reality. I carved pathways within my physical brain that allow me to do things that are so far out of ordinary human experience, I am loath to even discuss them outside the circle of trained initiates who are able to verify or falsify my claims. But the thing is, higher initiation didn’t feel like expansion, it felt like removing limitations. So, basically, the advanced practice of yoga, and things that I do in the last two decades, that are not really yoga, but rather wielding of spiritual power, had the effect of enabling me to do some things, while incarnated, that I would much more easily and naturally do while discarnated. Essentially, it allowed me to get around some of the bodily limitations. This means that it didn’t produce spiritual evolution or expansion, but rather that it neutralized some of the zombifying effects of physical incarnation. Essentially, yoga is less effective than death for removing corporal limitations, but has that convenient peculiarity of not having to die in order not to be completely useless. Yes, I still see my physical incarnation as a stupid hairy ape-like creature that is the cause of all my problems, but unlike before, I now have a certain degree of control, awareness and knowledge. The ape-like thing causes inevitable mistakes in everything I do, which is humiliating in a way, but I try to keep it on a short leash.

You are often saying that you have to suffer in order to spend or transform evil global structures. Isn’t up-stream kriya of Kundalini-yoga supposed to do that?”

Well, no. What kriya does is destabilize your energy system in order to make it fluid, and remove resistance. It also creates a strong upward flow of energy which is a close relative of orgasm. In regard to transforming, breaking down and spending energy blockages, larvae and, in lack of a better word, accumulations of past sins, what kriya actually does is allow you to detach from a structure, guide energy towards it in order to dissolve it, and when it releases the traumatic content, it allows you to mitigate the trauma. You still experience suffering, but you are in a state of surrender to God while you are suffering, so to speak, and this makes it possible for you not to simply close the damn thing off in another larva, but to deal with it permanently. Once you’ve faced the traumatic emotions, they lost their harmfulness and you can deal with them as you would deal with anything. So basically, it’s the suffering that spends bad karma in any case. Everything else is there just to make it easier to bear. If you’re not suffering under the onslaught of traumatic emotions, you’re not really spending anything, by definition. I recently used a comparison with brakes on a car. What they do is equivalent to suffering: they take the kinetic energy of the vehicle and spend it by taking it onto themselves, by transforming it into heat. The molecules of the material of the brakes are accelerated by the transfer, and then this heat slowly dissipates into the environment. Similarly, any transfer of karma disturbs your spiritual body on the kalapa-level, changing its specific energy. With a combination of suffering and surrender, in other words detachment, you absorb the energy of the impact, integrate the additional karmic mass into your own on a kalapa-level, and raise the energy of the resulting mass onto your previous energy level. If you’re not a high initiate, meaning if your spiritual body isn’t made of vajra, or to be technical, if it is not made of a substance that is qualitatively higher than the substance you are absorbing, the process will actually change your soul-structure in such a way that your entire motivational structure might change. The additional karmic mass might end up transforming you, and not the other way around. You need to be made of higher quality stuff, so to say; so, the karmic transfers are a different order of magnitude of a problem compared to dealing with your own personal issues. If you’re very strong, you can do small things without any apparent effort, like Earth absorbing space dust in form of small meteors. It just makes a passing glow and then it’s absorbed into Earth’s mass. However, something big can make quite a mess, and can take some doing to recover from. Since my official job title seems to be “garbage reclamation unit”, I’m basically very close to 100% of the maximum load that I can sustainably take. It’s not enough to wreck me, but it’s enough to seriously ruin my day. Sometimes the load exceeds 100%, which means that it would cause serious damage if it were kept on that level. Sometimes it falls under 80%, and then I feel great and recover quickly. I can’t really remember it going under that level, though.

Can’t someone help you?”

You need to understand that the requirements for this shit are rather high, so high that in order to be able to do any kind of a karmic transfer, of any quantity, you need to be a high initiate and a decently skilled yogi. Not many people throughout history have been able to do it. I’ve seen high initiates who are decently skilled yoginis start the process of breaking apart and dying because they carelessly “looked” at what I was spending when I was spending something particularly nasty, and a few tiny specks of that attached to them. The result was devastating, because not only were they not able to absorb and transform it, their efforts had no influence whatsoever on it, and the stuff simply kept shredding them. I fixed the damage simply by paying attention, spending those stray specks in a second, restored their lower bodies from their core karmic template, and proceeded to feel like shit under 110% load. No, nobody can help me, because I’m uniquely powerful and skilled, and the second most powerful person ever to have lived would be merely a helpless victim whom I’d have to patch up. But I can be helped in other ways, that’s true. The entire logistics of my effort are made possible through others’ help. I’m not doing this alone. In fact, one of the “hacks” that makes the entire thing possible is that others willingly assist me in every way possible while I personally am under “attack”, because there are “immune responses” that were set against me and would have blocked my effort years ago had there been no help from others. So, nobody can help me with my part, but my part is only a piece in a wider puzzle, and without the other parts, it alone wouldn’t do much.

Justification of evil

There are two main schools of thought in regard to surviving trauma.

One, of modern “psychology”, seems to think that any kind of trauma necessarily damages you and nothing can be either healed or overcome, only avoided.

The other, older and especially espoused by Nietzsche, states that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, basically saying that trauma is the main instrument of personal growth.

It’s easy to respond to unpleasant experiences by whining and adopting the attitude of perpetual victimhood – woe is me, bad shit happened. This is the most useless attitude one can possibly have and it simply keeps you stuck in a position of perpetual impotence and incompetence.

It is also easy to overcome trauma and rationalize how it was actually good for you because it made you into who you are now, and you turned out fine. That’s how people who were beaten up as children learn to beat up their children, and the circle of evil persists and propagates.

It would be very easy for me to say that the bad things that happened to me forced me to overcome them and thus develop an incredible amount of mental strength. It would be easy to justify everything from my past in hindsight, and say it was all for a good purpose, and now I finally understand. But that would be to adopt falsehoods and to rationalize evil.

The only purpose of that evil was to destroy me. It wasn’t there to help me do anything, and it wasn’t designed so that I would grow by overcoming it. It was designed to prevent me from incarnating my full potential, to cripple me in such a way that I would never become capable of even believing who I actually am. It didn’t make me into what I am now – my consciousness is the same now as it was before. It’s only my knowledge and abilities that grew. If you knew me then, I couldn’t say the things I now know. I couldn’t do the things I now can. My mind was uncomfortably tight and lacked power and reach. My consciousness and essential character, however, were the same then as they are now. I am aware how the events in my childhood and youth were designed to gradually destroy me and put me out of circulation. I know that Sanat Kumar did it on purpose, because he actually bragged about it. It was also designed in such a way that if I overcame, he could claim the credit, he could say that he set everything up just so to make it possible. But I saw the pattern, in myself and in others. He trains us like one would train lions to believe they are sheep, to love eating grass and to hate eating flesh. He trains us to fear, to be small, to be vulnerable, to be alone and unprotected and threatened, and he does so in order to permanently, fatally cut our personal connection with God, to cripple us in such a way that connection with other humans, within the confines of his plan, would remain as our only option.

He trains us to be weak, crippled and damaged, because that is how he wants us. That is what the God of this world has in store for us if we just believe in his plan. We get to be the bonsai kitten, a part of the human caterpillar.

If someone wanted me to manifest my power, I know exactly what was to be done, and it is essentially the opposite of what my life looked like. You don’t train someone to be a king by giving him over to psychotic people with servant-mentalities to teach him how to be a broken servant. You don’t isolate him from knowledge and truth. You don’t bombard him with humiliations every single day and teach him by bad example. No, that’s what you do when you want to destroy someone so permanently and finally, that he never, ever has a chance to grow to wield any kind of power, and if he does, he will retain fatal vulnerabilities that you can exploit to either control or neutralize him. I have no illusions about that, and although I went through the events of my past considering the possibility that it was the only way that would realistically lead to the present-day results, I quickly saw that it wasn’t so. In fact, I learned more useful things from those rare few positive things that happened to me, than from overcoming any difficulty. If anything, having to overcome difficulties convinced me that I’m alone and without help, that I’m unimportant and that I don’t matter. Those were all things that I had to deal with later, with help from above, but they were the actual intended result of what this world and its maker had in store for me. That I overcame is not something he rejoiced, as he would have had he indeed designed it all as temptations to provoke growth. No, he saw it as a disaster, a peril and a grave threat. There is never light at the end of the tunnel he digs for us, and it’s not a tunnel, it’s simply a hole in the ground he intends to close behind us when we get to go deep enough. It’s a grave for souls.

The main difference between myself and most people who have had shit happen to them, is that I saw a great deal more, as it happened. I was not as blind as most. I was, however, very much inclined to justify everything in hindsight, but I saw that as an emotional response and I stopped it in its tracks, and proceeded to look into things calmly and rationally. I saw the design of the trap. In hindsight, I was supposed to see how it’s all designed to produce great things, if I succeeded to get out. If I failed, I would get to see how it was all my fault, because I did things that broke God’s perfect plan for me. I would then try to fix my mistakes in the next attempt, where I would be further weakened and damaged, and so ad nauseam, until there’s not much left. The mechanism that is supposed to weaken the captives is completely ridiculous now that I broke it on the global scale, and actually keeps bombarding me with “failure, mistake, sin, failure” emotional charges, without any sense or pattern, only because it’s what it’s designed to do and its guidance is broken so it does it randomly.

I actually get to see the inner workings of the system; my analysis isn’t merely a theory. I see the metaphorical cogs and wheels. It’s interesting how you can’t really believe it’s all for some greater good once you’ve seen the inner workings, once you’ve seen the guidance scripts and their triggers. It’s even more interesting how you continue desperately wishing to forget what you saw and rationalize it all away, to believe that some good God designed this world for the purpose of evolution, to help us grow and know his greatness in the end. It’s interesting how we have the desire to attribute our victories to God’s prescience and plan, and how desperately we desire to interpret everything bad as our fault, our willful action that broke God’s perfect plan.

And it’s even more interesting to see how this motivation is external, how it’s the result of a script running in the system.

There is a danger of people seeing me as an example that spiritual evolution is possible in this world, if only you are good enough. This of course implies that everybody who failed did so because they weren’t good enough, and I am certain the scripts of the system will make sure that everyone self-depresses with this thought. There are two problems with that, though. First is that I haven’t changed much, my consciousness is the same as it was when I was born, so the theory about me evolving is questionable. The second thing is, how many others like me, who started as equally good, didn’t make it? How many had killed themselves, or died in despair, or were so damaged that they kept running in senseless circles trying to heal themselves unsuccessfully?

If this is a place for evolution, why does an NDE experience of the astral world have greater positive transformational effect than all the things specific to this world? Wouldn’t the opposite be expected if Sanat Kumar’s story were true, if the higher worlds were those of stagnation, and if you want to evolve you need to subject yourself to the rigors and temptations of this one? How is it then that a brief experience of the astral world does more for one’s spiritual condition and is more transformational than the rest of one’s human life? How come the spiritual people aren’t seen as more spiritual because they had more experiences of matter, but because they had more experiences of God?

I read a story once, that hit incredibly close to home. It’s a story about a prince who angered his father the king, who disowned and exiled him. He spent years and decades of his life as a beggar, forgetting that he was once a prince. At one point, his aging father changed his mind and ordered his servants to find his son, reinstate him and fulfill any wish he might have.

When they found the former prince and offered to give him anything he wanted, the beggar begged them to give him a meal.

Overcoming empathy

Whenever people talk about empathy, it’s always positive, as if were the single most desirable spiritual quality to have. It is seen as weakening the limiting effects of ego, or some other bullshit.

Let me tell you a true story.

I was born with extreme empathy always turned on. Today I would classify it as strong involuntary samyama, but as a child, it took me more than a decade to even guess what was going on. I simply became a different person when surrounded with different people. It’s not that I absorbed the qualities of the environment, but more than what happened inside my mind changed; its flavor, emotions, thoughts, general attitudes. My entire existence was different when I was with my grandparents compared to being with my parents. School was a nightmare. It wasn’t so much a change as destruction and negation of everything I am in the incredible deluge of chaos. Too many children, all crazy, wrecked my my mind so badly I sometimes wonder how I was able to function there at all; but it was in the 7th grade or so that I started figuring out what was going on, when my technical drawing teacher expressed doubt that the drawing that I did for homework was done by me, because it was so much better than the stuff that I did in school; she thought I had my parents do it for me. I thought to respond “But of course it’s better, I did it at home, where it’s…” and then it clicked. It’s calm, at least compared to school. There were no thoughts of others, chaotically interfering with my own like very loud hissing of white noise. At home it’s not like watching TV signal without an antenna, in an area with poor reception.

To me, empathy is not some positive spiritual quality, as it appears to be to people who talk out of their arses and who never actually experienced what it means to have no personal boundaries, to have such strong perceptions of thoughts and emotions of others that it completely overrides and erases your own, to the point of taking decades to figure out who and what you actually are.

To me, empathy is a terrible, debilitating mental illness that I have to live with. It’s like having no firewall and no antivirus on your computer, and having it constantly hacked and invaded by others, only it’s not your computer but your mind, and it’s not only invaded by those who mean to, but by everyone, all the time. It never ends, it never stops. You cry with other people’s pain and laugh at what they find funny. When you dream, your dreams are mixed with the background noise created by others. When you’re surrounded by a mass of people, you’re flooded with chaos, completely disorderly and senseless, like hundreds of people talking at once. When you’re with one person, you simply adopt his ideas, point of view, way of feeling and thinking, basically you are an empty vessel that is filled by that person’s content. You cannot effectively argue a point, because if that person isn’t receptive, your mind simply stops working. When that person explains his point of view, it becomes yours.

That’s what it feels like to have no ego and to have extreme empathy.

I was completely and utterly confused in elementary school. I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t know that something was going on. I was just completely and utterly messed up. In the two last grades I started getting my shit together slightly, though, because I started to consciously perceive the differences in the way in which I exist when alone or with different others. Also, I started to self-medicate, so to say.

You see, this extreme sensitivity doesn’t just work for living humans. When I read a book, it recreates aspects of the author’s consciousness in me, in the exact same way the consciousness of living people overwhelms me in person, and I learned that I can drown one influence if I magnify the other. I could, for instance, read something created by a wonderfully organized mind, like Stanislaw Lem or Isaac Asimov or Frank Herbert or Arthur Clarke, and basically “format” my mind with it as I would a floppy disc, allowing it to overrun the chaos and the inferior people’s influence. I couldn’t just turn it off; it never turns off, really, but I learned that I could change the channel, so to speak, and if I chose to fill my mind with one content, I could completely suppress the unwanted noise. I must have looked like a total weirdo in high school; I intentionally adopted a contrarian attitude in order to preserve my identity; I was intentionally reading things that nobody else was reading and doing things that nobody else was doing, just to create some form of a mental boundary between self and others. Also, since I became aware of the difference between self and other influences, I began to perceive my own consciousness under the influence of others as one would perceive a movie screen with movie playing. It took me a long time to understand that I was a movie screen, but then I started to consciously “watch the movies”, so to speak, and it confirmed a hunch I had for a few years at that point, that I was fundamentally, structurally different from all the others that I have met. My own consciousness, when I managed to put it under control, and that was never easy, went deeper than theirs. When I did samyama on deep thinkers and deep ideas, I found out that my own ability was always able to stretch farther than the object on which I did samyama; it was just that I ran out of deep templates on which to focus. I found several ideas in books and several pieces of music that stretched me to my limits and then I could feel things that were so far above my physical life it drove me crazy. I could also feel the Presence, the high consciousness that was always there, always aware, but never actually communicating. Between the violent hell at home caused by my mother’s quickly progressing madness and evil, and chaotic noise and constant bullying I had to suffer at school, and a bus ride in between, and a limit I hit in my attempts to find and explore things that were beyond this darkness and evil that always tried to swallow me and destroy everything that was me as separate from them, I became a combination of distress, frustration and anger, and, unable to find any hope or a way out, I tried to kill myself.

When that failed, I was completely wrecked, because I had absolutely no hope of ever having an existence that’s worth having. I was mentally assaulted by humans and rejected by God, I was locked up in a lunatic asylum, in complete power and control by people who perceived me the way a butcher perceives a pig, and I had nowhere to go. I would have sold my soul to Satan then, had he made me an offer; it was that bad. I gradually pulled myself out by mere contempt and hatred for humans: I simply didn’t feel like allowing the beings that were such incredibly pathetic pieces of shit to defeat me.

Can you imagine what it’s like for an extreme empath to be locked up in a lunatic asylum, among crazy people in a drug-induced stupor, and you’re given psychosis-inducing drugs that limit any attempt to preserve your own identity? It’s worse than a death sentence. However, I learned to adapt. I finally succeeded at learning AT, and I became so good at it, I could re-program my liver to neutralize the drugs they gave me. Having done that, I started to recollect my faculties and replay the strong points from books and music in my head, and I regained coherence. I finished highschool from there, basically learning the entire year’s worth of material from two subjects every week and giving exams. I had to take two weeks for maths and literature respectively but that’s the way I did it. I was so incredibly good at it, I used it as leverage to get myself out, because the false narrative that my psycho parents told the psychiatrists in order to shift the blame from themselves, and onto me, crumbled. The order of magnitude of the problems I had to solve gave me the level of self-confidence I later used to solve other difficult problems, and basically limits my compassion for other people’s whining, because whatever you had, I had worse. Some people may have had one worse week than my average, but that’s it. And I learned how to solve problems, how to shield myself from others’ influence, how to keep strong focus for a long period of time under unyielding, devastating pressure. I learned how to overcome my debilitating weakness.

And that’s how I view empathy. It’s my debilitating weakness, a mental illness that I was born with and have to compensate for in order to be able to exist as a person of distinct and separate identity, will, thoughts, emotions and intent. That’s why I don’t see ego as a spiritual flaw, and empathy as a cure. I actually see it reversed, I see empathy as a spiritual flaw that threatens me with complete negation and destruction of my identity, and ego as cure for that deadly disease. I see ego-boundaries as a shield I learned how to raise in order to first identify myself as a cinema and not as a movie, then to play other movies more to my liking, and then to create my own content, of a higher order of magnitude.

When I say that I learned how to meditate in a bus, in a crowd, while interacting with others, do you have any idea what that means to me, with my inherent weakness?

That’s the cause of my crushingly strong willpower and intent. That’s the cause of my ability to touch the consciousness of others, and then change it; I learned how to turn it the other way, how to influence others instead of being influenced. It’s just a matter of power, and the level of power that I had to master in order to merely survive the shit I was buried under, is essentially unheard of. I find it silly when some “spiritual people” talk about their more-less failed attempts at controlling their own minds. And that’s supposed to be difficult? Try controlling your mind that’s constantly open to every single form of outside influence, by design, from birth, so much that you have no distinct identity, then learn to compensate and overcome, while in a position of slavery, under  others’ total physical control, under extremely harmful and invasive psychoactive drugs, without any resources at your disposal, with everything against you. I see how people envy what I am now, and they think they would like to be me, but they certainly don’t want to go through what I had to in order to become me. It’s like sausages: the result tastes good, but you don’t want to know what went in there.

Spiritual evolution

I know I’m contradictory. Somewhere I speak about attaining salvation/enlightenment as something that is easily achievable for anyone willing to actually invest proper effort, and in other places I make it sound as if enlightenment is almost unattainable.

The fact that I talk about Gods is enough to conclude that there are beings who did in fact attain a state of Godhood. I don’t think any single one of them just happened to be created that way; they all created themselves with their choices and actions. Also, most of them give off a feeling that makes me think they were once human; some feel female, some feel male. Some, however, feel like nothing you can possibly imagine, like having a sentient black hole simply be essential consciousness.

So, there’s my definition of salvation and enlightenment: if you end up as a God or a Goddess, you succeeded. I don’t care for definitions that see enlightenment as basically a lasting samadhi-state, or salvation as God not being pissed at you anymore. I’m more pragmatic, I know it when I see it. If I feel you and I think you “taste” like God having taken form, you’re enlightened. I also understand quantity and gradation. Even if you’re a God, there are often greater Gods. Even if you’re Buddha, you can find yourself in a position where someone greater needs to clean up after you. I don’t see it as some simplified single-point destination; it’s much more complex than that. I don’t see evolution as a path and God as a goal; I see God as material from which you evolve, if you evolve at all. I see it as finding new ways in which to be God.