I was thinking about something for the last few hours; about what strikes me as the most important things about Gods, their mutual relationships, and the nature of heaven.

Religions speak about God’s love, but love is a word I don’t like because it means whatever anyone wants it to mean, and most of it is something I don’t like at all. Sure, it can mean putting yourself as a shield between those you love and harm. It can also mean the state where you feel good. Or it can mean some hedonistic, selfish nightmare. Rather, I’d tell you a few stories from the Hindu scriptures, about Gods.

For instance, the way Shiva calls Vishnu his Divine Guru, or the way Vishnu calls Shiva the Great Lord, and how when they talk about the other behind their back they can’t stop singing praises to the other one – how he’s magnificent, transcendental, omnipotent, omniscient, and wonderful, they’ll tell stories about how the other one saved them or did some magnificent deed nobody else could, and so on. Once Shiva got in a pretty big fight with his wife, because she heard him praise Vishnu and then wanted to test Vishnu to see what that is all about because she didn’t believe it could be true. The level of respect they all have for each other is absolutely insane, and when there’s talk about Divine love, I don’t imagine unconditionality or any such thing humans would think of; rather, I feel this level of respect. Each praise the other above all, they marvel at each other’s feats and achievements, and if they want to match them it’s not out of envy or competition, but out of admiration. If one needs to go to hell, the other will volunteer to go with him to watch his back. None of them is ever alone, because the other one is his shield and his sword.

That’s what heaven is like, and what relationship between two different persons of God is like. The Christians talk about Father, Son and the Holy Spirit, but this imagery doesn’t resonate with me. Other persons of God illustrate what I feel much better, for instance when Krishna thinks Rukmini got a bit conceited he pranks her by telling her what a loser he is and that he’ll leave her and go to the forest to practice austerities; and then she simply passes out from shock. Then he gets scared for her, apologises and tries to wake her up, and when she does, she praises him endlessly and the undertone is “don’t mess with me like that because you’re my whole life”. The second undertone is that she might be just a bit conceited about him loving her more than anyone else, but beneath that is the unimaginable level of connection, sincerity and depth that surpasses anything usually called love. That’s how a female person of God feels about her male counterpart. It’s the level of devotion, connection, trust, respect and adoration that makes those two a Divine dyad. When some idiot brahmana thought it was a good idea to test how sattvic the Gods are, first he insulted Shiva and then Shiva got pissed and his wife had to stop him from killing the dumbass. But when he went on to insult Vishnu, Vishnu merely smiled, but his wife was not amused and cursed both him and his entire line to never have happiness and fortune. Nobody is insulting her man. To that, Vishnu just smiled again, in a sense, yeah, actions and consequences, those tend to go together. Fuck around, find out. As Christians would say, offend the Son, and he might forgive you, but the Father might not, because he loves his son and you’re not fucking with him. One God might forgive you, but his buddies and wife are watching you and they love him more than you can possibly imagine, and you’re just so incredibly fucked. Pray to one of them because you dislike the other, and that one you’re praying to will make sure that people who want to find you need to take a shovel to hell in order to dig you out. Offend Vishnu and Shiva will make a battle flag from your hide. Offend Shiva and Vishnu will make sure you eat all the shit in the world before you’re forgiven. That respect, which is the manifestation of real, Divine love, is what heaven is made of. The Gods have each other’s back. They look out for each other, they watch over each other’s best interest, and they praise each other behind their backs endlessly.

Conversely, hell is the opposite. Hell is disrespect. Hell is where demons and evil souls slander and diminish each other, where they look for weaknesses and sins to exploit, where they betray each other to their enemies and laugh, and so on. In Heaven, Gods each praise the other as the ultimate and supreme, while demons in hell diminish others and tell them they’re worthless and sinful and they need to die in their sin.

I keep hearing human idiots talking how heaven is boring, and hell is one big party. No, that’s not what it is. Hell is a nightmare where your peers will stab you in the back and laugh at you with your other “friends” while you bleed, mocking you for your foolishness and trust. Heaven is where Gods worship each other’s greatness and if you want to hurt one of them, you will need to go through all of his friends to get him; where you can’t attack one while he sleeps, because his friends stand guard, and they never, ever have anything better to do. Catch one at a point of weakness, only to find out that it’s protected by either his friends, his wife or both. Slander one to praise the other, and have the one you praised that way punish you. Heaven is a place where Gods are bound by connections of such immense love, trust and respect, that you can’t even imagine it if you didn’t feel it firsthand. Hell, on the other hand, is a party of the kind where everybody will laugh at your expense in the most hurtful and damaging way possible, and each of those laughing will stab the others in the back as soon as they sense any weakness.

Your choices in life will, of course, determine which “party” you will join.

There are a few more things I want to talk about, regarding all that mess with students and failed student candidates I was involved with over the early years.

The first thing is the concept of “testing”, that arose multiple times in two forms – them testing me and me testing them. That’s one of the first concepts you read in those silly books about zen and what not – you know the drill, the guru leaves the student candidate waiting in front of the locked monastery doors overnight and tells him to leave multiple times, to test his resolve, and taking him in after he persists. I find that both stupid and offensive, to be honest, and I would never do that. It’s like a girl telling a guy “no” multiple times and expecting him to continue pursuing her to test his resolve. Today, in “no means no” times, that would be grounds for imprisonment. Also, I’m not a person who messes with people and tells them falsehoods in order to test them or fuck with them. If I tell you “no”, it means “fuck off”, not “do try again”. However, testing is important since you don’t want to end up with people who are not serious, especially if you’re doing things that cost you and are potentially damaging. Also, you don’t want to be involved with people who are not serious, because they might get hurt doing things they aren’t supposed to do, and then they’ll blame you.

I honestly have to admit I didn’t even think about any of this, because it’s not like I had an idea about teaching people and had to figure out how to attract students and reject wrong candidates. I was basically blackmailed by God into the whole thing. I wanted to take students about as much as I wanted to get crucified, which is to say not at all. I was an introvert who meditated and read books for fun, and after the first initiation I was so serious about attaining enlightenment that humans never even crossed my mind, except as something that causes disturbances that I want to avoid. I didn’t even know how to express complex ideas in form of a rhetorical narrative, because all the serious talking I did was with my brother, in form of our internal shorthand with abundance of telepathy. How would I even approach teaching people? It was a ridiculous concept that I never gave a single thought. However, after getting that offer I couldn’t refuse from God, I started practicing thinking in ways that would be conducive to explaining complex spiritual concepts to people, and combining it with my telepathic abilities in ways that would do more guiding than explaining. Still, the concept of testing people didn’t even cross my mind. The reason for that is simple: I expected God to do that part for me. What I had to do is become a visible target for them to find, and I expected God to basically send the right people to me. Of course I expected the wrong ones to be attracted as well, but I had a very simple way of filtering them out; I expected them to hate me. I formulated thoughts in very straightforward terms that was meant to be attractive to people who have a transcendental longing or connection, and repulsive to everybody else, basically mantrically charging my speech so that it sang of God and transcendence. Basically, my approach was “if you hate me, excellent, and please tell all your friends to hate me as well so that none of you would bother me in the future while I focus on what’s important”. Basically, I wanted to look like an angry porcupine to all the wrong people, so that they would fuck off, while at the same time looking exactly like the goal the right people were looking for. This worked well enough, in a sense that none of the right people were rejected, but I got plenty of false positives from people who found my bristling style attractive for wrong reasons. The second layer of filtering happened when I would meet them in person, enter a meditative state where I was God’s presence, and opened this to the candidate. If they didn’t react well, or at all, I would consider the filtering process complete. If they reacted and experienced some degree of spiritual awakening, often if not always accompanied by Kundalini awakening, this would mean that they accepted God’s offer and became official student candidates. I would consider someone a proper student once they did the next level of acceptance of initiation, and actually made effort to keep and deepen what they received; basically, I defined a student as someone who is not only open, but accepts what’s been offered and applies their will and effort in order to retain it and go in that direction by their own power and choice, actively holding on and working rather than being held.

The third level of testing was something both God and Satan did and I had nothing to do with it. Basically, Satan provided temptations and tricks, and God created situations where they would actually make choices that were just hard enough to be workable, and withheld “candy” so that he could tell that they actually chose him, and not merely to feel good. As you can expect, that minor test created a wall that was impenetrable for people who didn’t make right and serious choices. Also, all seem to have been offered things that embodied their worldly desires, and they could get all the things they seemingly wanted God for, and the test was whether they were here for those things alone. Also, super easy test, and also, total failathlon.

So, no, I didn’t do any testing, at least not in the way you would read about in spiritual books. I was serious and straightforward, offered everything I could and expected people who came claiming they want God to act accordingly. The actual tests were done by God, who has no habit of allowing undeserved spiritual promotion, and Satan, who has no habit of allowing anyone to escape him if he can at all help it.

The second type of testing is the supremely silly idea that students will test the guru. I say it’s silly because God told me he’s sending me people who depend on me being there for them and who will instantly see me as the reason they were born here at all. So, if someone wants to test me, it means they are not one of those people and I will intentionally fail all of their tests just to get rid of them more quickly. The ones I was expecting had much better things to do when they found me, such as having instant spiritual experience and crying tears of joy. If someone wasn’t reacting that way, instead playing intellectual games, it means they weren’t the ones I’m here for, game over.

There was also a third type of testing – whether I will be able to recognise people who are super powerful, but super fucked up, and filter them out from people who were fucked up but because they are sinful and wrong. I think I passed all of those, but I can of course never be sure. You see, a rough diamond, uncut, looks like a piece of gravel. A piece of gravel also looks like gravel. Also, a piece of nicely cut glass looks like a diamond. Zirconium oxide also looks like a diamond. A diamond with inclusions that will make it shatter when you attempt to cut it can also look like a prime stone when uncut. Sorting those out caused me endless trouble, because I didn’t dare let go of possible prime people I was waiting for, to the point of keeping the wrong ones around for far too long, allowing them to create all sorts of mischief. However, sometimes the best people created mischief themselves while they were sorting themselves out, and had I been more strict, it would create all kinds of fail. This was the worst, most expensive and damaging part of the whole process, and I had to let some students create terrible problems to others, but I don’t think it could have been helped, because those creating mischief contained both some of the best and some of the worst, and those who were adversely influenced by them also contained some of the best and some of the worst. It was an incredibly complicated mess, and people looking from the outside probably thought that I handled things poorly, but that’s because they didn’t know what the stakes were and how layered and intricate the problems were. Yoga is a process where you start fucked up and gradually sort yourself out. Expecting people to not be fucked up in the beginning is both naive and dangerous. However, how do you tell who’s fucked up in what way and for what reason, and what’s going to prevail? You essentially can’t, you just need to support them all to the point of decision, and possibly somewhat further just to make sure, even if it costs you.

So much for the concept of testing. Essentially, I considered myself unqualified for it and outsourced it to God, and to the people themselves. They did it all for me, I just had to draw the line at some point.

The second concept that was sometimes introduced by some students, candidates and others, was whether this relationship was completely one-sided or mutual, in a sense of me getting something from them in return.

This one is tricky. On one hand, I had no personal desires in the matter. God told me he has a plan, that plan went completely against both my expectations and wishes, but I accepted it because, basically, my wishes are where God is, so that’s that. This produced a complex set of results. On one hand, it was incredibly taxing and hurtful for me, and on the other hand I learned about Satan, I got access to him because of his acts against me, I learned what this is actually about, and I grew so much stronger in the process it’s not even funny.

However, in a sense those people usually meant, thinking we’re in some kind of a human mutual relationship where both sides enjoy each other’s company and no side has debts towards the other, that’s not at all what was going on. The point where I would actually consider the relationship mutual would be where the other person would completely accept God, and then from this acceptance of God manifest Divine energies towards me as both a physical and spiritual person, manifesting towards me what God would do in their place. That would be a mutual relationship, and in Hindu terminology it would be called a lila. That’s basically what happens when two Gods agree to incarnate together, for instance Shiva and Vishnu who alternate as each other’s guru, because both have immense respect for each other’s transcendence, wisdom and virtue, and would hardly trust someone else with it. Also, when Krishna and his Goddess incarnate and she’s his wife, and that’s an actually equal partnership because for him to have a normal human female soul as a wife would be like marrying your dog. So, all kinds of things took place there, from relationships that are completely one-sided, where I’m offering everything and paying all the costs myself, and the other person is just benefiting from it because I thought I owe it to God, to relationships where the other person is so powerful I’m basically looking at my female counterpart, only with a physical brain that lacks training, and it’s someone who can actually help me and make me feel better and is an actual partner. So, the answer is, it depends – yes, no, first no then somewhat or yes, and so on. It also had nothing to do with how that person presented themselves; sometimes people assumed that someone is my partner and they were merely a very arrogant student candidate who mostly subverted me before outright failing. The most powerful person I ever met would act like a small kitten that you carry in your coat pocket. The more one would act powerful and independent, the more you could tell they are a failed candidate. I can honestly say I’ve seen it all, and for the most part I could only do my thing and let things sort themselves out, because chaos is always part of the process of growth and purification. It’s always messy, hurtful and nasty, like throwing a hand grenade into a septic tank.

I perceived something both strange and expected when parsing the stream of karmic garbage that went my way to be processed. It seems that lots of people spent lots of time and energy trying to find fault with me in order to justify themselves – either not choosing what I offered, or lying to me, or betraying me, or not having enough courage to overcome their limitations. They always have a list of all the things I did wrong, or at least I did wrong in their mind, as if my perfection were a prerequisite for them to even start doing the things I told them to do. Basically, they seem to believe that if I didn’t prove my perfection to them, they had no obligation to be faithful and obedient.

The reason why I find that funny is that God never had a problem with any of that. I actually did – I used to whine, bitch and moan to God about how I did something wrong, how I must be a disappointment to him, and unworthy of trust he bestowed upon me by entrusting me with leading people. The answer I got to one of those tirades was quite revealing. Basically, I was suddenly in a state of darshan and God conveyed understanding that I am exactly the way I am because he made me that way. My apparently flawed, vulnerable and frequently damaged condition was his design. It was not my fault. I just chose to be faithful and loyal to him, and he did everything else. That was somewhere around 2007, if I remember correctly, when all hell conspired to destroy me, and I felt that it was doing a good job. I was never more damaged, prone to mistakes, or spiritually injured and under attack than at those times, and God’s opinion on that was “yeah, I did that because you trusted me into it; none of it is your fault, and I’m certainly not judging you for it”.

So, it’s an interesting contrast; the humans who were entrusted to me were basically maintaining a mental list of all the things about me that were too human, not Divine enough, where I said something wrong, where I didn’t look the right way, where things happened to me that looked inconsistent with what they expected someone entrusted by God to be experiencing, and I myself would show a similar list of my own making to God, and he was basically “yeah, sorry about doing that to you, but that’s what the path of surrender to God looks like”. My first reaction was shock and disbelief. My second reaction was “oh, so maybe I didn’t actually fuck things up and fall out of God’s grace”.

I’ve also been thinking… people seem to obsess over what they did wrong, over their imperfections, flaws and things that are human nature, but they have somehow been made to believe that they put you on the wrong side of God’s temper. On the other hand, the only thing God expects of them is to be obedient and faithful to him. Basically, to keep doing what they know is his will even when they can’t confirm it, the way they keep brushing their teeth every day regardless of the lack of confirmation that it’s good and useful. God isn’t expecting you to solve Bessel equations to prove that you’re good enough. He’s not expecting you to do any of the silly things people equate with sainthood either. The only thing he expected you to do was to remain loyal, to obey his will, and to keep the faith forever.

Some people think, somehow, that if they give God a list of all the things I did in less than absolutely perfect manner, they will be absolved of any and all crimes, because God apparently doesn’t know who I am. If God only knew how imperfect, vulnerable and flawed I was, of course he wouldn’t demand that they follow me unconditionally or to obey me.

What a wonderfully innovative concept. It’s not like it’s been tried before. God will surely side with you and against me, because you are many and I’m one, and it’s a democracy. If you all testify against me, I’ll be in so much trouble. It’s not that God’s been there when you were thinking what kind of bullshit to invent to get yourself off the hook. Also, God is going to be so surprised when you tell him your story, because he doesn’t know what I’ve been doing here behind his back, and when he learns, I’ll be in trouble and you’ll be vindicated.

That’s sarcasm, btw.

You may be asking why am I suddenly writing about my spiritual experiences, especially after I explicitly stated that some experiences are off-limit and I will never share them.

Well, those I described didn’t fall into that group; not the super-private stuff I won’t talk about. If anything, those I described were something I kept secret because revealing them would either do no good, or it would do harm, at least before it was time to reveal them, which I felt is now.

The reason why I revealed it now is because I need to build the path for explaining other things that depend on it, such as why I chose to work with students, and why at that exact point.

Also, there’s the matter of criteria I used for selecting students. I actually gave the entire thing lots of thought, and decided that I have to make myself publicly known as a spiritual authority, in a sense that I will talk about God, the path of yoga and enlightenment, spiritual experiences and possibility of achieving them, and so on; essentially, I can’t just make myself a visible target so that people who are supposed to find me can; I need to be a target of a very specific kind, where I would expose my essential nature and things I find important, because of course my point wasn’t for people to find me, it was for people to find God, because that’s what my core identity and sole point of interest was and remains. At first, before the initiation into vajra, I spoke from a position of experience and authority in a sense that I know what I’m talking about because I experienced it and that’s how things are. After the initiation into vajra, something changed in a sense that my authority became much greater and it seems to have been felt because people started expressing desire to be my students. I thought about it, and decided that this is the correct way forward, and I had the ability and authority to open the doors of spiritual experience and Kundalini awakening, by exposing my inner meditative state to their souls. People ask what kind of a selection method I used, and the interesting thing is, I didn’t. I basically let them select themselves, by the level of interest, openness and acceptance of experience, but of course that created the same problem God had before this world was created – are they here for him, or are they here because God’s presence feels good.

I didn’t even try to solve that problem; I just did my best to try to guide them from the position they were at, and let them select themselves further by persistence and level of progress; essentially, if someone isn’t motivated enough to put in maximum effort, they will fail, but I didn’t expect that to happen since who in the right mind would have the opportunity to reach God, and not exploit it the best they possibly can?

In hindsight, you can say I was incredibly naive, but I don’t think I was wrong. I knew exactly how hard one had to work and how much you have to be ready to sacrifice because I did it. I was there myself. I didn’t recommend anything I hadn’t personally tried, to great effect. I also trusted in what I was shown in that darshan, that some people are here for me, and I trusted that they will find me and recognise me, and of course they will see that this is the true purpose of their lives. Basically, I thought my role was to be visible, to say and defend the truth, to expose myself as I truly am to the extent possible by the medium, and trusted in God to guide people who needed to find me in my direction.

This worked perfectly and I wouldn’t change a thing with that part. The problems started when God decided it’s time for phase two, where people who found me had to actually prove themselves to him, and he wasn’t taking it easy with them or fucking around. Satan also did his worst to do his usual thing, and so people were put in a position where this was no longer fun and games, but a serious choice that was to determine the direction and outcome of not only their lives, but their entire spiritual existence in eternity. So, is it still what you choose when Danijel is too busy to keep feeding you with bliss-energy? Is it still what you choose when you need to financially support the entire project because that’s how things work in this world; if you chose something you need to make sure that it succeeds, and not only with words and feelings, but also with all kinds of effort. Things got hard, and then they got harder. Some decided they wanted to be gurus themselves because they thought it would be a nice power trip, and I even encouraged them in that direction. It’s a standard Tibetan thing, where a guru tells a disciple he can now be a guru himself, and the disciple who has any brains in his head will conclude that this is a temptation for fools, because how can he be a guru when he hasn’t attained the ultimate goal himself? I thought they will all see through it but unfortunately they didn’t, and blissfully proceeded to “teach” some person who embodies their worldly attachments. Some decided this is no longer fun and required work, hardship and real dedication, and they weren’t here for that so they diverged. Some became living nightmares, monsters trained in astral magic. Some became apostates, slanderers and seducers of others against God. Some persisted after making all kinds of mistakes, which is normal, but they eventually turned into actual yogis. Some just faded away.

I looked at the outcomes and told God that I feel like a failure, because he sent me those people and most of them fell off, or chose outright evil. The answer I was given was shocking; basically, it turned out that most people were sent to me because they had to make a final spiritual choice, not because it was expected for them to become enlightened. No, they were expected to choose, and as long as they did, this was all the success God was interested in. If they saw me, hated me and turned into enemies, that’s fine because it’s a choice. Also, the expectation wasn’t the same for all. Some were expected to assist me in my mission, which turned out to be much bigger than I initially thought, and I was taught that in 1998, mostly in India where I was basically told I had to accept responsibility for the world as a whole or people like Sai Baba will exploit the vacuum. My idea of what I was actually expected to do here evolved with revelations over time; I didn’t know everything at once, just enough to do my job until a point, where the next revelation would inform me further. People thought that the fact I have a direct connection to God means I have to know everything. That’s not how it works, and I always told them so, but it’s not something people actually hear when you tell them. I was told as little as possible by God, and I was actively interfered with by Satan, by all means at his disposal, from interfering through the global astral layer to using evil people against me and my students.

My students were aggressively tested and tempted, which is why I had to maintain presence on usenet religious groups; I had to defend a position, and my students were all there and they had to make decisions and stand behind them very firmly, or they would lose initiation. I couldn’t tell them to remove themselves from there because it’s a bad influence and I want to protect them; God didn’t want that. They had to be exposed to things that will force them to choose what matters and defend it with conviction against all opposition. I actually pressured them to do it, to defend what they chose and what they know, because that’s what it was for, that was the test God set up, among several others.

God would say that the test was successful, because everybody made their choice. I would have said that it was a disaster, because of how many people I lost to indecisiveness or actual choice against me. It was emotionally taxing, especially since one of the tests God made was to make me weaker, less impressive, radiating less Divine presence that would compel people to make a choice even if only for self-serving reasons, separating them from those who would have chosen me regardless, because they saw deeper than energy. Basically, as always, I became what God wanted me to be at that moment. It would be an ego-shattering experience for someone who had an ego-structure, but my ego structure was based around doing whatever God wanted done so that I can finally get the hell out of here and get back everything that was “temporarily” taken away from me. So, I did whatever had to be done, and I gradually understood what kind of a long game was played here, and I revealed some of my findings, while keeping some to myself. It turned out that the majority of the experience with students wasn’t about leading students to enlightenment, as much as it was for giving Satan the opportunity to place hooks into my flesh and try to destroy me and use me as an energy source. However, the methods he used against me were sinful, since I acted in a pure and transparent way, being motivated by God’s will alone, and this gave me access into him, the way he gained access to me via corrupted students. It was a deadly game of chess in which the winner consumes the loser. I won by remaining pure and loyal to God all the way into my death, and he lost by gloating over finally having won despite his declared goal being to filter out the false souls by exposing them to pressure. Gloating over killing someone who actually passed all the tests and proved himself was apparently a big no-no, which he figured out about a nanosecond before his death.

However, the real work just started there, because the entire structure he built over eons didn’t need him to keep going; however, without him guiding the defensive mechanisms, it could now be successfully attacked for the first time in history. I say that with authority because it didn’t have a single scratch on it, and it took me years to gradually work around the shielding to actually start doing anything to dismantle it. Nobody else, ever, did anything effective against it. I wish they did, because then my job would have been easier, but regardless of religions celebrating their favourite person’s victory over Satan, those celebrations were somewhat premature, because nobody did anything. It was all in full integrity, shielded against contact, with all kinds of redundancies and sentries that depleted attackers of energy necessary to survive on the physical plane long enough to do anything, and you had to be both incarnate to gain access, and have a skill set and order of magnitude of energy of a discarnate God to actually do anything. Also, doing anything required patience and acceptance of prolonged suffering. It’s a protracted nightmare that required incredible persistence and dedication to endure, both from me and my assistants, who were also under all kinds of attack once the system registered that they support me. Incredibly, some people actually endured all that. But yeah, God is the ultimate goal, the ultimate reward. Why someone would expect not having to work hard or endure all hardship for that, is something I don’t understand. You don’t love God because God is tasty and comfortable, you love God because he is everything, and everything without him is nothing. You don’t have a choice, because everything else is ashes and dust. If you think you have a choice, of course you will pursue it, and reveal yourself as unworthy. That’s how it is.

This likely concludes my data-dump which looks very much like something you do at the end of the whole story, so I’m curious about that.