I perceived something both strange and expected when parsing the stream of karmic garbage that went my way to be processed. It seems that lots of people spent lots of time and energy trying to find fault with me in order to justify themselves – either not choosing what I offered, or lying to me, or betraying me, or not having enough courage to overcome their limitations. They always have a list of all the things I did wrong, or at least I did wrong in their mind, as if my perfection were a prerequisite for them to even start doing the things I told them to do. Basically, they seem to believe that if I didn’t prove my perfection to them, they had no obligation to be faithful and obedient.

The reason why I find that funny is that God never had a problem with any of that. I actually did – I used to whine, bitch and moan to God about how I did something wrong, how I must be a disappointment to him, and unworthy of trust he bestowed upon me by entrusting me with leading people. The answer I got to one of those tirades was quite revealing. Basically, I was suddenly in a state of darshan and God conveyed understanding that I am exactly the way I am because he made me that way. My apparently flawed, vulnerable and frequently damaged condition was his design. It was not my fault. I just chose to be faithful and loyal to him, and he did everything else. That was somewhere around 2007, if I remember correctly, when all hell conspired to destroy me, and I felt that it was doing a good job. I was never more damaged, prone to mistakes, or spiritually injured and under attack than at those times, and God’s opinion on that was “yeah, I did that because you trusted me into it; none of it is your fault, and I’m certainly not judging you for it”.

So, it’s an interesting contrast; the humans who were entrusted to me were basically maintaining a mental list of all the things about me that were too human, not Divine enough, where I said something wrong, where I didn’t look the right way, where things happened to me that looked inconsistent with what they expected someone entrusted by God to be experiencing, and I myself would show a similar list of my own making to God, and he was basically “yeah, sorry about doing that to you, but that’s what the path of surrender to God looks like”. My first reaction was shock and disbelief. My second reaction was “oh, so maybe I didn’t actually fuck things up and fall out of God’s grace”.

I’ve also been thinking… people seem to obsess over what they did wrong, over their imperfections, flaws and things that are human nature, but they have somehow been made to believe that they put you on the wrong side of God’s temper. On the other hand, the only thing God expects of them is to be obedient and faithful to him. Basically, to keep doing what they know is his will even when they can’t confirm it, the way they keep brushing their teeth every day regardless of the lack of confirmation that it’s good and useful. God isn’t expecting you to solve Bessel equations to prove that you’re good enough. He’s not expecting you to do any of the silly things people equate with sainthood either. The only thing he expected you to do was to remain loyal, to obey his will, and to keep the faith forever.

Some people think, somehow, that if they give God a list of all the things I did in less than absolutely perfect manner, they will be absolved of any and all crimes, because God apparently doesn’t know who I am. If God only knew how imperfect, vulnerable and flawed I was, of course he wouldn’t demand that they follow me unconditionally or to obey me.

What a wonderfully innovative concept. It’s not like it’s been tried before. God will surely side with you and against me, because you are many and I’m one, and it’s a democracy. If you all testify against me, I’ll be in so much trouble. It’s not that God’s been there when you were thinking what kind of bullshit to invent to get yourself off the hook. Also, God is going to be so surprised when you tell him your story, because he doesn’t know what I’ve been doing here behind his back, and when he learns, I’ll be in trouble and you’ll be vindicated.

That’s sarcasm, btw.

You may be asking why am I suddenly writing about my spiritual experiences, especially after I explicitly stated that some experiences are off-limit and I will never share them.

Well, those I described didn’t fall into that group; not the super-private stuff I won’t talk about. If anything, those I described were something I kept secret because revealing them would either do no good, or it would do harm, at least before it was time to reveal them, which I felt is now.

The reason why I revealed it now is because I need to build the path for explaining other things that depend on it, such as why I chose to work with students, and why at that exact point.

Also, there’s the matter of criteria I used for selecting students. I actually gave the entire thing lots of thought, and decided that I have to make myself publicly known as a spiritual authority, in a sense that I will talk about God, the path of yoga and enlightenment, spiritual experiences and possibility of achieving them, and so on; essentially, I can’t just make myself a visible target so that people who are supposed to find me can; I need to be a target of a very specific kind, where I would expose my essential nature and things I find important, because of course my point wasn’t for people to find me, it was for people to find God, because that’s what my core identity and sole point of interest was and remains. At first, before the initiation into vajra, I spoke from a position of experience and authority in a sense that I know what I’m talking about because I experienced it and that’s how things are. After the initiation into vajra, something changed in a sense that my authority became much greater and it seems to have been felt because people started expressing desire to be my students. I thought about it, and decided that this is the correct way forward, and I had the ability and authority to open the doors of spiritual experience and Kundalini awakening, by exposing my inner meditative state to their souls. People ask what kind of a selection method I used, and the interesting thing is, I didn’t. I basically let them select themselves, by the level of interest, openness and acceptance of experience, but of course that created the same problem God had before this world was created – are they here for him, or are they here because God’s presence feels good.

I didn’t even try to solve that problem; I just did my best to try to guide them from the position they were at, and let them select themselves further by persistence and level of progress; essentially, if someone isn’t motivated enough to put in maximum effort, they will fail, but I didn’t expect that to happen since who in the right mind would have the opportunity to reach God, and not exploit it the best they possibly can?

In hindsight, you can say I was incredibly naive, but I don’t think I was wrong. I knew exactly how hard one had to work and how much you have to be ready to sacrifice because I did it. I was there myself. I didn’t recommend anything I hadn’t personally tried, to great effect. I also trusted in what I was shown in that darshan, that some people are here for me, and I trusted that they will find me and recognise me, and of course they will see that this is the true purpose of their lives. Basically, I thought my role was to be visible, to say and defend the truth, to expose myself as I truly am to the extent possible by the medium, and trusted in God to guide people who needed to find me in my direction.

This worked perfectly and I wouldn’t change a thing with that part. The problems started when God decided it’s time for phase two, where people who found me had to actually prove themselves to him, and he wasn’t taking it easy with them or fucking around. Satan also did his worst to do his usual thing, and so people were put in a position where this was no longer fun and games, but a serious choice that was to determine the direction and outcome of not only their lives, but their entire spiritual existence in eternity. So, is it still what you choose when Danijel is too busy to keep feeding you with bliss-energy? Is it still what you choose when you need to financially support the entire project because that’s how things work in this world; if you chose something you need to make sure that it succeeds, and not only with words and feelings, but also with all kinds of effort. Things got hard, and then they got harder. Some decided they wanted to be gurus themselves because they thought it would be a nice power trip, and I even encouraged them in that direction. It’s a standard Tibetan thing, where a guru tells a disciple he can now be a guru himself, and the disciple who has any brains in his head will conclude that this is a temptation for fools, because how can he be a guru when he hasn’t attained the ultimate goal himself? I thought they will all see through it but unfortunately they didn’t, and blissfully proceeded to “teach” some person who embodies their worldly attachments. Some decided this is no longer fun and required work, hardship and real dedication, and they weren’t here for that so they diverged. Some became living nightmares, monsters trained in astral magic. Some became apostates, slanderers and seducers of others against God. Some persisted after making all kinds of mistakes, which is normal, but they eventually turned into actual yogis. Some just faded away.

I looked at the outcomes and told God that I feel like a failure, because he sent me those people and most of them fell off, or chose outright evil. The answer I was given was shocking; basically, it turned out that most people were sent to me because they had to make a final spiritual choice, not because it was expected for them to become enlightened. No, they were expected to choose, and as long as they did, this was all the success God was interested in. If they saw me, hated me and turned into enemies, that’s fine because it’s a choice. Also, the expectation wasn’t the same for all. Some were expected to assist me in my mission, which turned out to be much bigger than I initially thought, and I was taught that in 1998, mostly in India where I was basically told I had to accept responsibility for the world as a whole or people like Sai Baba will exploit the vacuum. My idea of what I was actually expected to do here evolved with revelations over time; I didn’t know everything at once, just enough to do my job until a point, where the next revelation would inform me further. People thought that the fact I have a direct connection to God means I have to know everything. That’s not how it works, and I always told them so, but it’s not something people actually hear when you tell them. I was told as little as possible by God, and I was actively interfered with by Satan, by all means at his disposal, from interfering through the global astral layer to using evil people against me and my students.

My students were aggressively tested and tempted, which is why I had to maintain presence on usenet religious groups; I had to defend a position, and my students were all there and they had to make decisions and stand behind them very firmly, or they would lose initiation. I couldn’t tell them to remove themselves from there because it’s a bad influence and I want to protect them; God didn’t want that. They had to be exposed to things that will force them to choose what matters and defend it with conviction against all opposition. I actually pressured them to do it, to defend what they chose and what they know, because that’s what it was for, that was the test God set up, among several others.

God would say that the test was successful, because everybody made their choice. I would have said that it was a disaster, because of how many people I lost to indecisiveness or actual choice against me. It was emotionally taxing, especially since one of the tests God made was to make me weaker, less impressive, radiating less Divine presence that would compel people to make a choice even if only for self-serving reasons, separating them from those who would have chosen me regardless, because they saw deeper than energy. Basically, as always, I became what God wanted me to be at that moment. It would be an ego-shattering experience for someone who had an ego-structure, but my ego structure was based around doing whatever God wanted done so that I can finally get the hell out of here and get back everything that was “temporarily” taken away from me. So, I did whatever had to be done, and I gradually understood what kind of a long game was played here, and I revealed some of my findings, while keeping some to myself. It turned out that the majority of the experience with students wasn’t about leading students to enlightenment, as much as it was for giving Satan the opportunity to place hooks into my flesh and try to destroy me and use me as an energy source. However, the methods he used against me were sinful, since I acted in a pure and transparent way, being motivated by God’s will alone, and this gave me access into him, the way he gained access to me via corrupted students. It was a deadly game of chess in which the winner consumes the loser. I won by remaining pure and loyal to God all the way into my death, and he lost by gloating over finally having won despite his declared goal being to filter out the false souls by exposing them to pressure. Gloating over killing someone who actually passed all the tests and proved himself was apparently a big no-no, which he figured out about a nanosecond before his death.

However, the real work just started there, because the entire structure he built over eons didn’t need him to keep going; however, without him guiding the defensive mechanisms, it could now be successfully attacked for the first time in history. I say that with authority because it didn’t have a single scratch on it, and it took me years to gradually work around the shielding to actually start doing anything to dismantle it. Nobody else, ever, did anything effective against it. I wish they did, because then my job would have been easier, but regardless of religions celebrating their favourite person’s victory over Satan, those celebrations were somewhat premature, because nobody did anything. It was all in full integrity, shielded against contact, with all kinds of redundancies and sentries that depleted attackers of energy necessary to survive on the physical plane long enough to do anything, and you had to be both incarnate to gain access, and have a skill set and order of magnitude of energy of a discarnate God to actually do anything. Also, doing anything required patience and acceptance of prolonged suffering. It’s a protracted nightmare that required incredible persistence and dedication to endure, both from me and my assistants, who were also under all kinds of attack once the system registered that they support me. Incredibly, some people actually endured all that. But yeah, God is the ultimate goal, the ultimate reward. Why someone would expect not having to work hard or endure all hardship for that, is something I don’t understand. You don’t love God because God is tasty and comfortable, you love God because he is everything, and everything without him is nothing. You don’t have a choice, because everything else is ashes and dust. If you think you have a choice, of course you will pursue it, and reveal yourself as unworthy. That’s how it is.

This likely concludes my data-dump which looks very much like something you do at the end of the whole story, so I’m curious about that.

There’s something I never wrote about, or even talked about before, but I feel like it’s time now.

It was somewhere between 1994 and 1996; I think 1996, but I’m not sure about the years anymore because it’s been a long time. I was basically an urban monk, meditating and practicing the yogic techniques I managed to figure out by myself at that point, but I haven’t developed the Kundalini techniques yet, and initiation into vajra was definitely in the future. At that point I already had a nirvikalpa samadhi experience and my vision of the future was to attain perfection at yoga and discarnate in the next few months. It seemed like an obvious thing; I had no worldly desires and the pursuit of enlightenment finally felt like the right thing to do, instead of aimlessly searching for something that would make sense. My family was hell, but at that point I learned to manage hell just fine, so I barely even noticed. Running away from that wasn’t my motive; I just found what I wanted and felt there’s really nothing else of value to bother with. I prayed to God to guide me and give me permission and skills necessary to do it. At first there was nothing, but I persisted. At one point I found myself in a state of darshan. A male presence, one of the “guys up there”.

What happened next is very hard to describe because it took mere seconds, but contained extreme amounts of densely packed spiritual interactions. He asked a clear question, “Do you trust me?”, and the undertone was a stream of knowledge about people who were incarnated exclusively because of me, they came here to be with me and if I chose to leave their lives will be empty and meaningless, just trauma and emptiness, and I saw multiple women specifically and many other people as well, but too quickly to get the details; I just knew I hadn’t met any of them yet. The other undertone was that I could refuse, but it would be a disappointment to God and to them. I said “yes” and the vision ended.

So, this is how a reclusive monk started looking for ways to make himself public enough to be seen and found by those people whom I now knew were looking for me. What I did publicly say is that I was authorised to teach and be a spiritual leader, and that was absolutely true. It was only partially true at that point; I was authorised to make myself known and to show, but after the initiation into Vajra, a year or so later, this changed, I think because I became resistant to spiritual corruption.

Why didn’t I say anything about this before? I was pretty much traumatised by it, that’s why. I think I still am, despite the fact that all of it came true since and I saw the entire logic behind it. The reason why I was traumatised was because of how disrespectful and manipulative the fake choice was – basically, it was strongly suggested that I follow the plan, and although I could refuse, it would be a wrong choice and God would be disappointed in me and so on. It’s basically an offer you can’t refuse sugarcoated just enough to not immediately look like something mafia would do. Also, he didn’t tell me the actual story, just the part that would make me accept easily, because I saw the souls involved and I cared about them and didn’t want to abandon them in this infernal place. He didn’t tell me that some of those students that would be sent my way would be fake, traitors and bastards, that Satan will use most of them to hook me to the world so that I can never leave while the structure of the world stands, that I will be in mortal danger unless I solve the problem nobody else in history managed to even scratch. I wasn’t told that Satan even existed, or that he already used very sophisticated ways of deception against me, mixing parts of darshan and samadhi experiences with his Sai Baba stuff, deceptions that are so scary I didn’t even talk about their actual nature because I thought people would lose all hope in possibility of salvation. I wasn’t just wrong about those things, I was deceived in ways that are absolutely horrific, which is why I said in the previous article that Satan used things against me and my girls that are just horrible. He could mix spiritual experience with deception to give his deception an almost ultimate authority. Breaking through that isn’t just hard; it also feels like blasphemy of sorts.

So yeah, I wasn’t told the bad and dangerous stuff, just that people I cared about will be abandoned and have their incarnation ruined if I said no. I wasn’t told that God will outright betray and abandon me if that was useful for getting rid of leeches and bastards. I thought, without being explicitly told, that if I accept God’s plan, that I will also have God’s help – I mean, having in mind that I was having this experience and others before it already meant that I had help from God, that I was guided and assisted, so it wasn’t that much of a stretch. What actually happened was that I was thrown into a pool of piranhas and for the most part the only actual source of help I could count on was my own set of abilities developed by spiritual practice, and if I got something wrong, which I did, all kinds of horrible consequences ensued, with Satan attacking me with increased openness and God maintaining a hands-off approach. At some point, I no longer felt like someone God entrusted with guiding people; I felt like human sacrifice, a worm impaled alive on a hook in order to catch a big fish that had to be killed at all cost, and I was expendable. I felt God had betrayed and used me, and Satan amplified that feeling to torture me.

Had I not seen other things, such as Her attitude towards me, I don’t think I’d pull through, honestly. How She treated me was the exact opposite to this horribly manipulative and coercive darshan; I knew there’s someone who’s actually on my side beyond anything I thought possible, who didn’t see me as a tool or manage me just enough to get maximum use out of me.

That’s why I keep saying that things are complicated in the transcendental sphere. It’s not just one God in many shapes, but many Divine beings with different characters, who evolved in different ways to reach their position and who have different roles in the whole thing. Yes, there are those who managed me the way you would manage a tool or a trained animal with a purpose, but then there is the Goddess who always treated me like I’m her whole world.

I’m sure that male Divine being who confronted me with that choice thought he was doing the right thing in the most straightforward way possible, and telling me what I needed to know in order not to fail my mission in this life. What he did was informative and useful and, honestly, had he told me more than he thought I could handle at that time, like the difficulties involved and so on, I still would have accepted the plan, but I would have felt respected, like someone who’s actually a part of the plan. Also, had She not talked to me, in Her own way, I am pretty certain I would have failed at multiple points. She corrected for the male deity’s deficiencies in just the right way, gradually creating the feeling that I actually matter as a person, and not that I’m just useful because I’m powerful and expendable.

Don’t get me wrong, not all male deities I met were insensitive assholes working for Don Corleone. Some were actually funny, for instance somewhere in 2006 or something I was with Domagoj and Dubravka and I asked why the fuck do I still have embargo on siddhis, and the answer came immediately in form of darshan; a male being, a different one (actually, more of them were present, I think). He “said” that I’d kill all the humans within ten minutes if I got my powers back. I started saying “no, I…”, and he just smirked knowingly, and I thought about it and saw that he was right, to which he nodded approvingly, in a sense “it’s actually a good idea, but we have our own way of approaching that problem”, smiled and left.

So, those things are the reason why I sometimes know things nobody expects me to know, and at other times I don’t know things everybody expects me to know. It’s also the reason why I’m completely certain about some things, and absolutely uncertain about others. It is what it is.

There’s a question people always seem to ask in a discourse about Christianity: why did God allow Satan to exist and tempt people, causing all sorts of suffering? Isn’t it God’s choice then, the outcome being his responsibility as well?

The Christians then talk about free will until they are blue in the face, but I have a somewhat different perspective. You see, there’s a thing God and Satan actually agree on, and it’s that undeserved salvation is abominable.

Satan had terrible motives hidden behind the apparent noble motives, but it’s like American financed opposition in some country America wants to destroy. They always protest against corruption, nepotism, and all kinds of scandals in order to gather support, but their actual cause is to destroy the country and allow the West to come in, break it up and sell it for raw material. That’s why Satan seemed to object to all kinds of beings inhabiting heaven, that would fail even the lightest imaginable test were it administered. Of course, he wanted to destroy everybody by making a test nobody could pass, but that’s a different matter. His nominal cause – pressure testing souls to see if they actually want God, or if they actually just want to feel good because that’s the consequence of God’s proximity – was something God seems to agree with.

Sure, they do it for different reasons. Satan sees beings who are of higher stature than him and feels jealousy, and wants to find a way to degrade and destroy them, and embarrass God for elevating them over him in the first place. God wants to be surrounded by beings who would be faithful to him even through greatest of hardships, instead of betraying him at the first sign of discomfort. Basically, what God wants from souls is similar to the situation a very wealthy man would want from his wife. If everybody knows he’s wealthy, all kinds of gold diggers will try to be his wife, but you don’t want to marry those because they will leave you as soon as they think the money is going to run out, someone better came along, or they think they can gain more from divorce than from marriage. What he would want to do is create a scenario that would filter out all the gold diggers, and leave only those who are there only for him, and would stay with him no matter what.

So, both God and Satan agreed that there needs to be some kind of a stress test. Satan wanted to make it a test everybody fails. God wanted to make it a test the truly loyal ones will pass, and not only that, but make it actually rewarding for them, and not just a terrible ordeal they were subjected to for no good reason, only to return to what they had before. No, there had to be a potential reward to match the potential doom.

So, this world is created by Satan in order to destroy you by testing you in a way you are not likely to pass, because the assumption is that you will want to choose the pleasant and the comfortable instead of God, and you will seek God in the direction of more power, more wealth, more pleasure, and that’s where the worldly traps are. You are not expected to recognize God without all the external things expected to accompany him. You’re not expected to recognize him if he were a shepherd or a carpenter, because you look for a king or a billionaire.

The trap looks terrible, because it bifurcates the essence from the energies that are expected to accompany it, and forces you to choose, with fatal outcomes if you choose wrong. Satan created this and thought nobody will pass, and was happy with his work. God saw this and thought, if someone passes this level of deception, they will indeed have proven themselves worthy and reliable, worthy of highest power and authority. Interestingly, the souls who looked at the test all thought it was easy and they could all pass. They all thought they could recognize God anywhere and remain loyal through anything, especially some illusion.

There were rules, of course. Both God and Satan were allowed to tempt and provide choices, but not directly influence outcomes. God wasn’t allowed to manifest Divine nature in a way so compelling that it would remove all possibility of doubt. Satan wasn’t allowed to use his authority over the world in order to kill. God is allowed to enter the simulation in order to present himself as a choice, but he needs to do so in ways that divorce him from his power, that would otherwise influence beings. Both shared profound contempt for spiritual gold diggers.

Satan thought he managed to hide his true intent from God. No, he didn’t. It’s just that God had his own plans and this seems to have played right into them. Also, Satan kind of had a valid point, the way all those colour revolution people kind of have a valid point about corruption. God’s way of filtering souls by allowing them to choose greater participation in virtues, but without a stress test, isn’t really effective. Basically, if you’re rich and handsome, how do you find a wife that isn’t a gold digger? All the gold diggers will swear they want you for your soul and your sense of humour and spiritual kinship or whatever. What you actually want is the one who would choose you over rich people even if you were a shepherd or a carpenter, and when she makes her choice, you remove the illusion.

God doesn’t like fair-weather friends. Satan is an envious bastard who will say everybody who loves God is a fair-weather friend. Both agreed there needs to be some kind of a test. Both agreed it needs to be hard and realistic. Where they didn’t agree, they agreed to limit both of their ability to influence outcomes.

And so, here we are.